when you were young

Dear world,

Today I talked to Brooke. I wanted to tell her so many things.
I had so many things I wanted to say.

I really just wanted to run up to her and hug her and cry and tell her all the things that are wrong with me.

I told her that the doctors think I am depressed.
She said she didn't think I was.

Maybe she's right.
But there are somedays. Days like today, days like yesterday when I feel so down. So sad, I want to sink into the sheets of my bed and never come out.
Some days I can't think of a reason to get out of bed.

How I can tell someone I always feel sad when I have no clue why I am sad?
I have so many things to say and nothing to convey all at the same time.

I am so grateful for this blog.
So many things I can say here and I know no one will ever read this.
And even if they do, I'm not sure I care anymore.

I just want to be happy. Consistently happy.
I want to be able to tell people how I feel.
Even when I say I am being "honest" I am never being completely real.
I don't want to hurt anyone.

Love,
Leesha.

Dear World,

Am I really so unlikable?
What's wrong with me?

I feel alone. I feel so lonely and abandoned.

I miss my friends, I miss feeling like I had friends.

I miss Alanna. I know that we had problems and I know there are some things I don't agree with but we are so alike and she gets me like no one else ever has but now it's gone.
I want to talk to her, but I feel like this is one sided and I feel like she doesn't care and I feel to much like shit to get my heart hurt.
God, I sound like a whiny ex.

I wish I could find a new job. I wish I could do something i'm interested in.
I love Albertsons. Those people at that store care more about me then anyone else in my life.
I've met people that give me hope that there is something to love in me.

I hate feeling worthless.
I can't write about this anymore.

Love,
Leesha.