what do you think when you her my name? am i in your every though?

dear world,


i don't know.
idk
eyeonknow.
noeeeoneeknowss.


you'll never understand how much this hurts.
no matter how many times i tell you it doesn't mater.

i can't be the girl that does that, even though i want to be.

i wish you'd stop making threats.
grow some fucking balls and suck it up.
there are so many people who have had it worse then you.

ugh, your name makes me shake.
physically tremor.
it's ridiculous.

i hate how there is this huge part of me that is so happy.
so fucking happy, i feel like dancing
feel like singing

but then theres this part that feels awful.
part of me can't crawl out of this whole i've been in and be okay.

and i don't want you to know how scared that made me.
i don't want you to know the real reason i feel bad about telling you when things are wrong.
cos it kills me a little inside each time i think about it.
i'm not over it,
and i can't figure out why.

i wish someone would call me and ask me what's wrong.
i wish someone wanted to hear about these things i can't stop thinking about.

but that's dumb.
i should reach out and ask for help.
but who do i ask?

i really did have an amazing weekend.
saturday was really amazing, even if it wasn't what we had initially planned.
i want to keep the picture of that night in my head.
and it will make things better
but i can't help feeling like if i got these thoughts out of my head,
i'd feel completely better.
but your happiness is more important then mine.
to me at least<3
dayum i'm so whipped sometimes.


you know like over half of this blog is about people
you wouldn't even think it was about.
each part is about like 4 people.
how strange.

i just did something i don't know if i wanted to do.
but i need someone.



lovezzzz.
-Alisha<3