i've got bruises on my knees for you.

dear world,


get ready for a long blog with mulitiple quick subject changes and not a lot of me actually making since.


i realized how badly i want us to be like other people.
i want to go on dates and spend days together
and meet your grandparents in family dinners.
i want to see you over christmas and trick or treat with you on halloween.
i want to spend our birthdays together because there is nothing else i would rather be doing.


i always dreamed when i got to high school i would go on dates.
and boys would come to my door with flowers and take me to the movies and to dinner.
and we would kiss underneath the glow of the porch light.
i hoped i would fall in love with some sweet guy
and his family would love me and think of me as family and whisk me away from my life.
i wanted to walk around holding hands all the time
because i am in love with holding hands.
i dreamed of a buy being so in love with me he couldn't take his eyes of me and he wanted me to be with me every moment.

but those things don't happen.
not often at least.
and i have no clue how to fix it.

sometimes i worry about writing on here because you never know who reads it,
but i don't care who does anymore.

i went to a concert the other night and that feeling makes me tingle all over.
i love the way the music pulses though you
so quick and then it's gone
it's so painful yet beautiful
to have something and then it's done.
and it won't ever be like that again.

concerts make my adrenalin rush
but this one was different.
i didn't dance around
i didn't get sweaty with 100 other people i don't know.
i stood there in the back of the gothic and closed my eyes and listened.

i felt every note go through my body and disappear into the walls
i felt venerable and i felt like i was going to cry.
it was different.

i wish you weren't so uncomfortable when you came over.
it's been a year and half and you still look like you want to cringe.
what am i doing wrong?

i have been thinking that a lot lately.
what am i doing wrong?
what am i doing that is stopping the people around me from loving me?
what is stopping you from kissing me and holding my hand?
touching me and holding me?
what is stopping my parents from telling me they are proud of me?
what is stopping them from seeing how shitty they make me feel?

sometimes i wonder if i am the one doing something wrong at all.

i'm kinda in a daze but one where everything is heightened.
things hit me harder.
and i feel things deeper
and i don't know what it means.
or if i like it or not.

i am pushing people away,
friends at least.
i'm building a wall it took so long to break down and i don't know why.
i thought i was passed this
but i haven't been able to tell ANYONE what has been wrong for a week
and i feel like i am running out of people to turn too.

and i feel like i am fucking things up with my best friend
and i love her so much i don't want to lose her.
she helps me through things that i can't do again without her.

i'm scared.

i feel like an awful person because it is my fault you don't want to tell me anything. :|
i turn everything on us and everything on you and i can't help it.

secretly,
[although i understand once i post this here it won't be a secret anymore]
i haven't been able to get over what you said to me over spring break.
i can't get over the things you say to her,
i can't get over the thought that when you tell me you love me and i mean everything to you and that your scared to lose me that you're not out telling her the same things.
and if you are,
they mean nothing when you say them to me.
and i know it sounds harsh
but it's the truth and i need to say it.

and secretly,
i can't get over the fact that it felt like the other night you told me you loved me in a strictly sexual way.
i cried till i fell asleep
and my eyes were swollen the next day
and you didn't care
and secretly,
i felt like shit because you didn't want to talk to me after that.

secretly,
i feel awful posting these things because i know it will upset you and i hate upsetting you.

oh and the biggest secretly of all,
i HATE that when you didn't text me for two days and you blew me off at the baseball park i apologized over and over and i groveled over and over so that you wouldn't be mad at me or feel bad.
and i am not that person.
i hate people that mash there feelings and beg for someones forgiveness when they had nothing to be sorry about.
because the truth is,
i had NOTHING to be sorry about.


wow this blog took a turn for the worst,

positive are in order i think.

well i started taking birth control and i am proud of myself that i can actually remember to take them.
i think they are making me a bit mood swingy though.
but it will calm down after i take a month worth.

i cleaned out my room and old papers
and it felt good.
i was living in clutter and it's still a mess but it will have to do for now.
it made me remember how i like things in my room.
empty and bare.
so much more beautiful that way.

i also got lots of moneies for easter
and i got to shop. :)
and tomorrow or sunday i will go to pacsun and buy pretty shorts. :)

there are lots of sporting events this weekend so i am excited
because i love baseball and when my dad plays football
and hopefully i can get a nice tan.

school is almost over and i will be a junior.
isn't that crazy?
i am almost done.
no more high school
no more stupid drama.
no more living at home.
and i can come home to someone that loves me everyday...
well hopefully.
:)

i love tommy.
i know with all the things i said in this blog that it sounds gheyy.
but i really do.
and you make me happy
even if i blog about things he does that make me sad.
i blog more about things i love about him anyway.
he is my world and i want to spend more time with him.
hanging out with him on tuesday was great. :)
i want more days like that.

well this is getting WAY to long.

lovezzzz.
-Alisha<3