i'm only human

spilling my guts to you just made me realize what is at the core of my problems.

all the people in my life, every last fucking person in my life chooses something else or someone else over me.
i've built you up to be this person that your not.
i wanna believe deep down that you are this amazing person, and yes you are, but this person i have made you out to be is not who you are.

i know you love me, but it's one of those times when that's not enough.
all i want is for you to make my loneliness go away.
all i want it for you to choose me over her.
but you won't.

hence my underlying issue,
all i have wanted for the past...year is for you to choose me over her.
over the people you talk to at school.
over all these things.

i pick you, over and over and over again
i picked being with you over escaping.
i pick you over drugs.
i pick you over getting drunk.
i pick you over my grades at school.
i pick you over my friends and family.

your first in my life.
you have been since October 19th.

i want you to pick me this time.
i want you to stand up and act like we're together.
i want you to want to be with me like i want you.

god, when am i ever just going to be able to be okay with just myself?
i need to stop relying on you and be able to make myself feel better.



UGH!