Pourquoi blesse-t-tout si mauvais ?

dear world,


i feel like i have been avoiding you.
i haven't wanted to put down in words what I have been feeling.

un.
i feel like i have been putting all i have into my school work because that is the one thing that no matter what i do, i can do well in.
it's the one thing that doesn't always take a constant effort on my part.
i feel like i avoid talking to anyone in classes and i just stay focused on work because i don't want to fall behind in the one thing that i am actually good at, mostly anyway.
i hate that my dad and my mom and my grandparents are always giving me such a hard time about school work and how i'm not doing that well when i am trying my hardest.
but when they say things like this it makes me feel useless and like i can't do anything right.
maybe i cant.

deux.
i hate that there is this gap between us.
i hate that you don't ever ask me whats wrong even when i drop so many hints that i'm not okay.
i hate feeling like i want to cry every second of everyday.
i hate that things, no matter how hard i try, are still the same between us.
i wish that i believed that you trusted me but i don't.
i hate that i repeat the same pattern over and over. complain-talk-pretend it's fine-explode.
that's the story of my life.
i hate that i feel ugly and stupid and like i'm not enough for anyone.
why is there nothing i can do to make anyone feel like i'm enough?

trois.
i want you to want to talk to me.
i spent this entire night telling myself i wouldn't text you and hopeful you would text me,
but you know what you did.
nothing.
it's 5 minuets to 8 and nothing.
is it really that unnoticeable when i just don't talk to you?
cos i know when i don't talk to you,
it's like part of me isn't here.
and you know what,
i am that girl that makes valentines and gives them to the boy who couldn't care less.
i hate that i've spent all this effort and all this love into this painting because this is what you said you wanted.
i thought it would make you happy.

quatre.
and on top of it i just spilled my guts to a kid i've known for two weeks.
while i balled my eyes out.

lovezzz.

-alisha<3