dear whoever...

to all the people i was to afraid to tell you how i feel.
to all the people who drive me insane.
to all the people who hurt me in an unforgivable way.
these are for you.

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Dear Tommy,
You drive me insane.
I want to know why you make me feel this way.
I want you to be sorry for all the ways you hurt me, but then again i love you to much to tell you all these things.
I couldn't stand to see you sad, and I think knowing these things would hurt you inside.
Sometimes, when I think about you my entire body convulses.
It's like my body is rejecting the things you make me feel.
There not all good, there not all bad, there all over the place.
I wish you would drop her, but i won't ask you to do that.
Because there are parts of me way deep down that know no matter what, you will love her in this insane and passionate way, that you never felt for me. Don't deny it, there's no point. It's there you can either get over it or you can fuck up everything that me and you have had for the past year and a half.
I hope you know that no matter what, I would choose you over anything else.
I have chosen you over everyone else.
I lose people, i argue with people, i forget about people because i know at the end of the day those people mean nothing compared to you.
You are this light at the end of all my troubles.
You're there to make sure that no matter what I can walk away from all the shitty situations with someone to hold my hand.
Things will be perfect between us someday.
I think right now is that time when you get thrown into the lake and you have to decide weather you want to sink or you want to swim and fight.
You are my world.
Plain and simple.
I can't do this whole living thing without you.
That time when I was on the edge and I could have just slept and gotten away from everything in life, i saw your face and knew that if I wasn't going to a place were you were I didn't want to be there.

So, baby one last thing, i just want to know if you want to swim some more with me?

Love,
-Alisha<3

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Dear Mom,

God there are so many things I could say to you.
You are the most confusing person I have ever met.
You act more like a teenager then I do.
I hope someday I can tell you all the stories of the things you have put me through
I know that the day this happens is so far off, it may never happen at all.
No matter what you say to me I am stuck in that basement two years ago when everything went so horribly wrong.
You don't know how awful that was. I have nightmares about it over and over again.
The one person in the whole world who is always suppose to love me told me I was the reason her life was filled with one fuck up after another.
I'll never get over that.
I want to know why no matter how many times I cry, no matter how many times I yell at you, you won't stop drinking for me.
You will never put that damn bottle down and realize you are killing yourself and you are killing me. Slowly but surely you are digging out graves and one day you'r have dug so far you can't get out of it.
Someday, I hope at least, me and you can go back to when things went wrong and learn to forgive.
Hopefully by then I will have enough in my heart to forgive you.

Love,
-Alisha<3


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Dear Dad,

Every memory I have ever had with you, I was little.
I miss being that little girl with the missing front tooth that you loved.
I know that you will never see me this way again.
After I told you about what he did to me, you never saw me the same way again.
All you saw was your little girl being hurt.
I see it in your eyes still to this day.
I want us to go back to when we played football in the back yard.
When I would stay up till 1 when you got home from work just to play video games with you, even if it was just for 10 minuets.
I kept that pillow for so long because I knew that it was from a time when you loved me.
I'm sorry I can't be the daughter you wanted.
I'm glad that even if it's baby steps you are trying to get to know me again.
I need you, more then I need most people in my life.
Someday, I'll let you know how much you really mean to me.

I love you.
-Alisha<3


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Dear Grandparents,

I don't know what I would do without you guys.
I know I don't see you often anymore, but I love you guys.
I wish that you saw me for who I am.
I wish that you could stop judging everything that I do.
I wish that you would quite trying to buy my love because you don't need to.
If you would stop saying such hateful things maybe we wouldn't dance this same dance over and over again.
You guys have giving me everything and you took me in when I had nowhere else to go.
I wish that I felt like I could come back now but I can't.
Maybe some day.
Someday you will be proud of me and I will grow up and be successful and prove you wrong about all the things you say about me. I won't turn out like my mother. I swear I won't. Not for you, but for myself.

Love,
-Alisha<3

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Dear Kellan,

I'm sorry that I couldn't always be there for you when you needed me.
I know that you hated when I would leave because you couldn't bare to be there alone but sometimes I had to step back and take a break.
Someday when you are older I hope you will understand.
I know we fight a lot and I know that we won't see each other often but I am always there for you.
I hope that you stop heading down this path that you are on.
Just because things have been hard doesn't mean you need to turn out like a jerk.
When I have a job and I have a car, I promise we will do more things together.
I want to get to know you better I want us to be friends.
I still remember taking care of you when you were a baby.
I love you so much.
I promise things will be okay.

Love,
-Alisha<3

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Dear Leah,

Man I miss how things used to be.
I don't even really talk to you anymore.
You are turning into this person that I don't even recognize.
You used to be this person that was so grounded and so perfect, I knew that no matter what I needed to talk to you about you were always there.
I miss the sleepovers and going to eat pie at midnight.
I miss baking cookies and watching movies until sunrise.
Things won't ever be the same between us, and I guess I will just have to get over it.
I wish that we could still talk, but you are so far out of reach.
I wish you would make time for me again, I know you are married but I was there before he came along.
One day we will talk about this and we will travel together and I'll be a role model for some little cousin you give me.
I'll be there for them like you used to be there for me.

Love,
-Alisha<3

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I'm sure there are many people that i could write to but that's all I will write to today.
this is as honest as i will ever get.


-Alisha<3