Hangover is the best movie EVER!
:D
You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack... it grew by one. So there... there were two of us in the wolf pack... I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
theres something missing from your smile
dear world,
i keep meaning to get on here and blog but i don't know what to say.
life's been pretty good.
can't complain to much.
people have been a bit stupid lately.
but nothing i can't handle.
well.
lovezzz.
-Alisha<3
i keep meaning to get on here and blog but i don't know what to say.
life's been pretty good.
can't complain to much.
people have been a bit stupid lately.
but nothing i can't handle.
well.
lovezzz.
-Alisha<3
Thursday, January 28, 2010
i've been in love since the first day i pressed my lips against yours.
dear world,
your so beautiful.
and you make me feel beautiful.
and you smell so nice
and you always make me feel better.
thank you for being you<3
lovezzzz.
-Alisha<3
your so beautiful.
and you make me feel beautiful.
and you smell so nice
and you always make me feel better.
thank you for being you<3
lovezzzz.
-Alisha<3
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
all my love is down in the frozen ground
someday i'm gonna shove all the words you said to me down your throat and hope to god you choke.
fuck yeahh, i'm bitter.
fuck yeahh, i'm bitter.
Monday, January 25, 2010
MMM BEWBZZ! ;)
dear world,
sometimes the ignorance of people is amazing.
i hate all the close minded assholes.
if your kid is gay or lesbian or bisexual stop thinking it is disease.
cos it's NOT!
you can't cure homosexuality.
so get over it.
stop hiding behind your religion.
god should love everyone even if your gay.
ohh and don't tell me that engaging in sexual behavior makes me lose my self respect.
and a long embrace or holding hands is sexual?
are you fucking kidding me?
i love myself and just because i want to kiss and hold hands or cuddle with someone else doesn't mean i'm a slut.
and just because i don't want to wear a bag to school that shows nothing doesn't me i'm trying to get raped.
sorry i have tits.
anywayyy.
if i wasn't trying to be friends with your son, i'd tell you all of this.
lovezzz.
-Alisha<3
ps. this may be directed at someone in particular but i know so many people like this.
if only we could find a cure for close minded assholes.
sometimes the ignorance of people is amazing.
i hate all the close minded assholes.
if your kid is gay or lesbian or bisexual stop thinking it is disease.
cos it's NOT!
you can't cure homosexuality.
so get over it.
stop hiding behind your religion.
god should love everyone even if your gay.
ohh and don't tell me that engaging in sexual behavior makes me lose my self respect.
and a long embrace or holding hands is sexual?
are you fucking kidding me?
i love myself and just because i want to kiss and hold hands or cuddle with someone else doesn't mean i'm a slut.
and just because i don't want to wear a bag to school that shows nothing doesn't me i'm trying to get raped.
sorry i have tits.
anywayyy.
if i wasn't trying to be friends with your son, i'd tell you all of this.
lovezzz.
-Alisha<3
ps. this may be directed at someone in particular but i know so many people like this.
if only we could find a cure for close minded assholes.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
my life is lifeless bedrooms and empty eyes telling me lies.
Dear world,
why does this always happen to me?
sometimes i think that the world is against me feeling even an inch of happiness.
i feel like my life is out of my control.
it's like there is someone else watching my life happen and i can't do anything to stop it.
and no matter what people tell me, it's not going to be alright.
things in my life never turn out 'alright'.
no matter how many good things i do,
no matter how much i try to be a good person,
someone, somewhere has it out for me.
i'm so sick of pretending everything is okay.
and walking around with a fake smile
its not fine.
i hate that everytime i walk away and then come back everyone was just talking about me
and everyone gives me the look.
the look that says, i feel so bad for you.
all i want is to be with tommy.
i want to cry and him to hold me and tell me someday things will be different.
but of course, i can't have that.
i can't take it.
i don't deserve this.
i fucking hate you.
more then i can feel.
more then i can tell you.
you fill my life with lifeless bedrooms and empty eyes telling me lies.
lovezzz.
-Alisha
why does this always happen to me?
sometimes i think that the world is against me feeling even an inch of happiness.
i feel like my life is out of my control.
it's like there is someone else watching my life happen and i can't do anything to stop it.
and no matter what people tell me, it's not going to be alright.
things in my life never turn out 'alright'.
no matter how many good things i do,
no matter how much i try to be a good person,
someone, somewhere has it out for me.
i'm so sick of pretending everything is okay.
and walking around with a fake smile
its not fine.
i hate that everytime i walk away and then come back everyone was just talking about me
and everyone gives me the look.
the look that says, i feel so bad for you.
all i want is to be with tommy.
i want to cry and him to hold me and tell me someday things will be different.
but of course, i can't have that.
i can't take it.
i don't deserve this.
i fucking hate you.
more then i can feel.
more then i can tell you.
you fill my life with lifeless bedrooms and empty eyes telling me lies.
lovezzz.
-Alisha
Saturday, January 23, 2010
against your skin
dear world,
i'm really happy.
everything makes me smile.
i had an absolutely amazing day yesterday.
did you know i has the most amazing boyfrenn in the whole world?
well i do. :)
i think i wanna lay around and watch horror movies today.
wanna come watch them with me?
:D
lovezzz.
-Alisha<3
i'm really happy.
everything makes me smile.
i had an absolutely amazing day yesterday.
did you know i has the most amazing boyfrenn in the whole world?
well i do. :)
i think i wanna lay around and watch horror movies today.
wanna come watch them with me?
:D
lovezzz.
-Alisha<3
Thursday, January 21, 2010
emancipation?
dear world,
part one:
why do people have to go and ruin a perfectly good day?
i was great up until you opened your mouth.
none of this is my fault, so don't try to make it out to be.
and stop telling me what i did when you don't even know the half of it.
eff you.
part two:
i'm excited for tomorrow.
i'm actually going to have a good friday. :)
well at least after school i will.
part threee:
i've been seriously considering emancipation.
i can find a job and support myself.
i do it now for the most part.
dayumm if only 16 could get closer.
lovezzz.
-Alisha<3
part one:
why do people have to go and ruin a perfectly good day?
i was great up until you opened your mouth.
none of this is my fault, so don't try to make it out to be.
and stop telling me what i did when you don't even know the half of it.
eff you.
part two:
i'm excited for tomorrow.
i'm actually going to have a good friday. :)
well at least after school i will.
part threee:
i've been seriously considering emancipation.
i can find a job and support myself.
i do it now for the most part.
dayumm if only 16 could get closer.
lovezzz.
-Alisha<3
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
sex sex sex sex
dear world,
sex sex sex sex sex sex sex.
that's what my brain sounds like.
all the time.
it's killing me.
i think i have the most un-horny boyfriend in the world.
omg and you know what i hate?
when people here stuff about us they give me this look like dayumm. i'm so sorry.
it's like eff off.
anyway.
that's all.
lovezz.
-Alisha<3
sex sex sex sex sex sex sex.
that's what my brain sounds like.
all the time.
it's killing me.
i think i have the most un-horny boyfriend in the world.
omg and you know what i hate?
when people here stuff about us they give me this look like dayumm. i'm so sorry.
it's like eff off.
anyway.
that's all.
lovezz.
-Alisha<3
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
99 problems but a dick ain't one.
Fuck fuck FUCK this.
This is so stupid.
I'm so sick of your shit.
Of you lying to me.
Not trusting me.
Your full of shit if you say you can't lose me.
Cos you push me away every chance you get.
GOD.
This is complete shit.
Your words are complete shit.
The way I feel is shit.
And you know what else, if you know what,
If you don't have time for me,
I don't have time for you.
-Alisha
This is so stupid.
I'm so sick of your shit.
Of you lying to me.
Not trusting me.
Your full of shit if you say you can't lose me.
Cos you push me away every chance you get.
GOD.
This is complete shit.
Your words are complete shit.
The way I feel is shit.
And you know what else, if you know what,
If you don't have time for me,
I don't have time for you.
-Alisha
i love you, oh no!
dear world,
i don't know what to talk about.
i'm bored.
i'm ready for next year.
i'm ready for my life to start moving.
sometimes my life feels like it is suffocating me.
my mom needs to stop getting drunk.
it's not even funny anymore.
i'm just like bitch please.
grow the fuck up.
anywayysss.
i miss my weird, wordy blogs that were really thoughtful and made me think.
maybe i'll do that again soon.
who knows.
well,
lovezzz.
-Alisha<3
i don't know what to talk about.
i'm bored.
i'm ready for next year.
i'm ready for my life to start moving.
sometimes my life feels like it is suffocating me.
my mom needs to stop getting drunk.
it's not even funny anymore.
i'm just like bitch please.
grow the fuck up.
anywayysss.
i miss my weird, wordy blogs that were really thoughtful and made me think.
maybe i'll do that again soon.
who knows.
well,
lovezzz.
-Alisha<3
Monday, January 18, 2010
99 problems but a bitch ain't one.
dear world,
new moto;
i've got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one.
you don't even faze me anymore.
i'm so far out of your league.
:]
dayumm i feel better now.
lovezz.
-Alisha<3
new moto;
i've got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one.
you don't even faze me anymore.
i'm so far out of your league.
:]
dayumm i feel better now.
lovezz.
-Alisha<3
reality is a drag.
Dear world,
I was thinking today, about what i should do after highschool,
and that hard hit of reality set in and i realized i can't be a photographer,
I can't be a writer.
neither one of those even pay for me to live.
This makes me really sad.
and i'm starting to wonder what i'm even good at.
what can i do?
blehh.
whatever.
more thinking.
lovezz.
-Alisha<3
I was thinking today, about what i should do after highschool,
and that hard hit of reality set in and i realized i can't be a photographer,
I can't be a writer.
neither one of those even pay for me to live.
This makes me really sad.
and i'm starting to wonder what i'm even good at.
what can i do?
blehh.
whatever.
more thinking.
lovezz.
-Alisha<3
Saturday, January 16, 2010
life is good. [:
Today actually turned out to be a good day. :)
I had a lot of fun playing Settlers Of Catan with Tommy.
haha.
I'm so excited.
5, maybe 6 concerts in the next 3 months.
:D YAY.
And my horny is coming over tomorrow.
ohhyeahh[:
Lovezz.
-Alisha<3
I had a lot of fun playing Settlers Of Catan with Tommy.
haha.
I'm so excited.
5, maybe 6 concerts in the next 3 months.
:D YAY.
And my horny is coming over tomorrow.
ohhyeahh[:
Lovezz.
-Alisha<3
Friday, January 15, 2010
your lovely inside
one day, i'm gonna tell you exactly what i'm thinking.
one day i'm gonna make you happy.
one day i'm gonna make you trust me enough to tell me what is going on.
one day i'm gonna make you happy.
one day i'm gonna make you trust me enough to tell me what is going on.
i'm mad at myself because part of the reason I hate you so much, is because the person i love most in this world would rather help you then help me. and no matter what it seems like he cares more about you leaving then me. just because i can't bring myself to do it, doesn't mean i don't think about it.
fukk it.
lovezz.
-Alisha<3
fukk it.
lovezz.
-Alisha<3
Thursday, January 14, 2010
simple and sweet<3
you told me you loved me today.
it made my day.
<3
do that more often?
Lovezzz.
-Alisha<3
it made my day.
<3
do that more often?
Lovezzz.
-Alisha<3
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
halloween lights are always okay. [:
dear world,
things are getting better.
things feel good at school again, i missed that. [:
i felt so lame in Art today. I'm such a virgin. :/
that sounds wrong.
whateverrrr. :P
i don't have much to say today.
but i wanna write everyday.
lovezzz.
-Alisha<3
things are getting better.
things feel good at school again, i missed that. [:
i felt so lame in Art today. I'm such a virgin. :/
that sounds wrong.
whateverrrr. :P
i don't have much to say today.
but i wanna write everyday.
lovezzz.
-Alisha<3
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
count em' 1 2 3. :)
dear world,
my mind is racing.
so i'm gonna make my brain throw up on this blog.
i really miss having you in my life.
you were an amazing best friend and i want that back.
i want a guy friend who gets things and can talk to me about anything.
i want someone that knows me better then i know myself.
dangg.
i don't think that's gonna happen thoughh.
so i know i said that i was okay with you not opening up to me, but dayumm i'm really not.
i'm not used to this.
i don't know how to get used to this.
but i won't ask, i want you to come to me on your own when you are ready.
i think a lot.
this has to be bad for your health. :p
i think i sound like one of those crazy people that like has no life and over analyzes everything.
haha, maybe i am?
i like that things are better between us.
we moments today,
i love you so muchh<3
but sometimes i wanna just say can we make out now?
like in Juno, except my eggo isn't preggo. :)
do you ever feel like that?
i've decided that unless I am directly asked i don't want to bring up my feelings.
i feel really bad about how selfish i am sometimes.
i go on about me and i want to start to be there for others.
but, on this blog i'll always be 100% percent.
alrightt, well i don't know what else to talk about.
lovezz.
-Alisha<3
my mind is racing.
so i'm gonna make my brain throw up on this blog.
i really miss having you in my life.
you were an amazing best friend and i want that back.
i want a guy friend who gets things and can talk to me about anything.
i want someone that knows me better then i know myself.
dangg.
i don't think that's gonna happen thoughh.
so i know i said that i was okay with you not opening up to me, but dayumm i'm really not.
i'm not used to this.
i don't know how to get used to this.
but i won't ask, i want you to come to me on your own when you are ready.
i think a lot.
this has to be bad for your health. :p
i think i sound like one of those crazy people that like has no life and over analyzes everything.
haha, maybe i am?
i like that things are better between us.
we moments today,
i love you so muchh<3
but sometimes i wanna just say can we make out now?
like in Juno, except my eggo isn't preggo. :)
do you ever feel like that?
i've decided that unless I am directly asked i don't want to bring up my feelings.
i feel really bad about how selfish i am sometimes.
i go on about me and i want to start to be there for others.
but, on this blog i'll always be 100% percent.
alrightt, well i don't know what else to talk about.
lovezz.
-Alisha<3
oh noo, i do not hook up. ;]
dear world,
life is getting better.
today was pretty good. :)
people were agitating but I wasn't going to let it get me down.
:]
i'm getting anxious.
when will you be ready?
i'm not gonna ask though, i want you to come to me on your own, when your ready.
i'm bad at staying out of other peoples business.
i think it's cos i'm so used to people telling me everything, this so new to me.
i'm excited for the next couple of months.
i think that many good things are gonna start happening.
-Alisha<3
p.s. you were great today, <3
i love you. hehe.
p.s.s i decided to use this as a diary of sorts.
but sometimes i'm gonna be weird and cryptic and wordy.
but you'll get over it.
:)
life is getting better.
today was pretty good. :)
people were agitating but I wasn't going to let it get me down.
:]
i'm getting anxious.
when will you be ready?
i'm not gonna ask though, i want you to come to me on your own, when your ready.
i'm bad at staying out of other peoples business.
i think it's cos i'm so used to people telling me everything, this so new to me.
i'm excited for the next couple of months.
i think that many good things are gonna start happening.
-Alisha<3
p.s. you were great today, <3
i love you. hehe.
p.s.s i decided to use this as a diary of sorts.
but sometimes i'm gonna be weird and cryptic and wordy.
but you'll get over it.
:)
Monday, January 11, 2010
mi amor<33
Today,
When I thought that everything was going to crumble
and I was scared about how I felt.
I saw you.
You were waiting for me, like you always are.
Even though we were in a circle,
the only person I was watching was you.
when everyone left and it was only me and you.
i looked in your eyes
and you smiled and i saw this light in your eyes.
i might have been seeing things,
but in that moment
you were this perfect thing in my life.
you turned red,
like when we were first dating,
and you hugged me and it felt right.
you leaned in and kissed me,
and your lips were perfect,
no one's ever kissed me the way you do.
i get this butterfly
the size of my entire stomach
and it tickles my insides
and makes me giggle.
i live for these moments with you.
when i fall in love with you all over again.
this is how i know that no matter what happens between us,
there is nothing that could keep me,
from feeling this way about you.
10.19.08
-Alisha<3
When I thought that everything was going to crumble
and I was scared about how I felt.
I saw you.
You were waiting for me, like you always are.
Even though we were in a circle,
the only person I was watching was you.
when everyone left and it was only me and you.
i looked in your eyes
and you smiled and i saw this light in your eyes.
i might have been seeing things,
but in that moment
you were this perfect thing in my life.
you turned red,
like when we were first dating,
and you hugged me and it felt right.
you leaned in and kissed me,
and your lips were perfect,
no one's ever kissed me the way you do.
i get this butterfly
the size of my entire stomach
and it tickles my insides
and makes me giggle.
i live for these moments with you.
when i fall in love with you all over again.
this is how i know that no matter what happens between us,
there is nothing that could keep me,
from feeling this way about you.
10.19.08
-Alisha<3
Sunday, January 10, 2010
dear whoever...
to all the people i was to afraid to tell you how i feel.
to all the people who drive me insane.
to all the people who hurt me in an unforgivable way.
these are for you.
-------
Dear Tommy,
You drive me insane.
I want to know why you make me feel this way.
I want you to be sorry for all the ways you hurt me, but then again i love you to much to tell you all these things.
I couldn't stand to see you sad, and I think knowing these things would hurt you inside.
Sometimes, when I think about you my entire body convulses.
It's like my body is rejecting the things you make me feel.
There not all good, there not all bad, there all over the place.
I wish you would drop her, but i won't ask you to do that.
Because there are parts of me way deep down that know no matter what, you will love her in this insane and passionate way, that you never felt for me. Don't deny it, there's no point. It's there you can either get over it or you can fuck up everything that me and you have had for the past year and a half.
I hope you know that no matter what, I would choose you over anything else.
I have chosen you over everyone else.
I lose people, i argue with people, i forget about people because i know at the end of the day those people mean nothing compared to you.
You are this light at the end of all my troubles.
You're there to make sure that no matter what I can walk away from all the shitty situations with someone to hold my hand.
Things will be perfect between us someday.
I think right now is that time when you get thrown into the lake and you have to decide weather you want to sink or you want to swim and fight.
You are my world.
Plain and simple.
I can't do this whole living thing without you.
That time when I was on the edge and I could have just slept and gotten away from everything in life, i saw your face and knew that if I wasn't going to a place were you were I didn't want to be there.
So, baby one last thing, i just want to know if you want to swim some more with me?
Love,
-Alisha<3
----------
Dear Mom,
God there are so many things I could say to you.
You are the most confusing person I have ever met.
You act more like a teenager then I do.
I hope someday I can tell you all the stories of the things you have put me through
I know that the day this happens is so far off, it may never happen at all.
No matter what you say to me I am stuck in that basement two years ago when everything went so horribly wrong.
You don't know how awful that was. I have nightmares about it over and over again.
The one person in the whole world who is always suppose to love me told me I was the reason her life was filled with one fuck up after another.
I'll never get over that.
I want to know why no matter how many times I cry, no matter how many times I yell at you, you won't stop drinking for me.
You will never put that damn bottle down and realize you are killing yourself and you are killing me. Slowly but surely you are digging out graves and one day you'r have dug so far you can't get out of it.
Someday, I hope at least, me and you can go back to when things went wrong and learn to forgive.
Hopefully by then I will have enough in my heart to forgive you.
Love,
-Alisha<3
---------
Dear Dad,
Every memory I have ever had with you, I was little.
I miss being that little girl with the missing front tooth that you loved.
I know that you will never see me this way again.
After I told you about what he did to me, you never saw me the same way again.
All you saw was your little girl being hurt.
I see it in your eyes still to this day.
I want us to go back to when we played football in the back yard.
When I would stay up till 1 when you got home from work just to play video games with you, even if it was just for 10 minuets.
I kept that pillow for so long because I knew that it was from a time when you loved me.
I'm sorry I can't be the daughter you wanted.
I'm glad that even if it's baby steps you are trying to get to know me again.
I need you, more then I need most people in my life.
Someday, I'll let you know how much you really mean to me.
I love you.
-Alisha<3
---------
Dear Grandparents,
I don't know what I would do without you guys.
I know I don't see you often anymore, but I love you guys.
I wish that you saw me for who I am.
I wish that you could stop judging everything that I do.
I wish that you would quite trying to buy my love because you don't need to.
If you would stop saying such hateful things maybe we wouldn't dance this same dance over and over again.
You guys have giving me everything and you took me in when I had nowhere else to go.
I wish that I felt like I could come back now but I can't.
Maybe some day.
Someday you will be proud of me and I will grow up and be successful and prove you wrong about all the things you say about me. I won't turn out like my mother. I swear I won't. Not for you, but for myself.
Love,
-Alisha<3
--------
Dear Kellan,
I'm sorry that I couldn't always be there for you when you needed me.
I know that you hated when I would leave because you couldn't bare to be there alone but sometimes I had to step back and take a break.
Someday when you are older I hope you will understand.
I know we fight a lot and I know that we won't see each other often but I am always there for you.
I hope that you stop heading down this path that you are on.
Just because things have been hard doesn't mean you need to turn out like a jerk.
When I have a job and I have a car, I promise we will do more things together.
I want to get to know you better I want us to be friends.
I still remember taking care of you when you were a baby.
I love you so much.
I promise things will be okay.
Love,
-Alisha<3
---------
Dear Leah,
Man I miss how things used to be.
I don't even really talk to you anymore.
You are turning into this person that I don't even recognize.
You used to be this person that was so grounded and so perfect, I knew that no matter what I needed to talk to you about you were always there.
I miss the sleepovers and going to eat pie at midnight.
I miss baking cookies and watching movies until sunrise.
Things won't ever be the same between us, and I guess I will just have to get over it.
I wish that we could still talk, but you are so far out of reach.
I wish you would make time for me again, I know you are married but I was there before he came along.
One day we will talk about this and we will travel together and I'll be a role model for some little cousin you give me.
I'll be there for them like you used to be there for me.
Love,
-Alisha<3
---------
I'm sure there are many people that i could write to but that's all I will write to today.
this is as honest as i will ever get.
-Alisha<3
to all the people who drive me insane.
to all the people who hurt me in an unforgivable way.
these are for you.
-------
Dear Tommy,
You drive me insane.
I want to know why you make me feel this way.
I want you to be sorry for all the ways you hurt me, but then again i love you to much to tell you all these things.
I couldn't stand to see you sad, and I think knowing these things would hurt you inside.
Sometimes, when I think about you my entire body convulses.
It's like my body is rejecting the things you make me feel.
There not all good, there not all bad, there all over the place.
I wish you would drop her, but i won't ask you to do that.
Because there are parts of me way deep down that know no matter what, you will love her in this insane and passionate way, that you never felt for me. Don't deny it, there's no point. It's there you can either get over it or you can fuck up everything that me and you have had for the past year and a half.
I hope you know that no matter what, I would choose you over anything else.
I have chosen you over everyone else.
I lose people, i argue with people, i forget about people because i know at the end of the day those people mean nothing compared to you.
You are this light at the end of all my troubles.
You're there to make sure that no matter what I can walk away from all the shitty situations with someone to hold my hand.
Things will be perfect between us someday.
I think right now is that time when you get thrown into the lake and you have to decide weather you want to sink or you want to swim and fight.
You are my world.
Plain and simple.
I can't do this whole living thing without you.
That time when I was on the edge and I could have just slept and gotten away from everything in life, i saw your face and knew that if I wasn't going to a place were you were I didn't want to be there.
So, baby one last thing, i just want to know if you want to swim some more with me?
Love,
-Alisha<3
----------
Dear Mom,
God there are so many things I could say to you.
You are the most confusing person I have ever met.
You act more like a teenager then I do.
I hope someday I can tell you all the stories of the things you have put me through
I know that the day this happens is so far off, it may never happen at all.
No matter what you say to me I am stuck in that basement two years ago when everything went so horribly wrong.
You don't know how awful that was. I have nightmares about it over and over again.
The one person in the whole world who is always suppose to love me told me I was the reason her life was filled with one fuck up after another.
I'll never get over that.
I want to know why no matter how many times I cry, no matter how many times I yell at you, you won't stop drinking for me.
You will never put that damn bottle down and realize you are killing yourself and you are killing me. Slowly but surely you are digging out graves and one day you'r have dug so far you can't get out of it.
Someday, I hope at least, me and you can go back to when things went wrong and learn to forgive.
Hopefully by then I will have enough in my heart to forgive you.
Love,
-Alisha<3
---------
Dear Dad,
Every memory I have ever had with you, I was little.
I miss being that little girl with the missing front tooth that you loved.
I know that you will never see me this way again.
After I told you about what he did to me, you never saw me the same way again.
All you saw was your little girl being hurt.
I see it in your eyes still to this day.
I want us to go back to when we played football in the back yard.
When I would stay up till 1 when you got home from work just to play video games with you, even if it was just for 10 minuets.
I kept that pillow for so long because I knew that it was from a time when you loved me.
I'm sorry I can't be the daughter you wanted.
I'm glad that even if it's baby steps you are trying to get to know me again.
I need you, more then I need most people in my life.
Someday, I'll let you know how much you really mean to me.
I love you.
-Alisha<3
---------
Dear Grandparents,
I don't know what I would do without you guys.
I know I don't see you often anymore, but I love you guys.
I wish that you saw me for who I am.
I wish that you could stop judging everything that I do.
I wish that you would quite trying to buy my love because you don't need to.
If you would stop saying such hateful things maybe we wouldn't dance this same dance over and over again.
You guys have giving me everything and you took me in when I had nowhere else to go.
I wish that I felt like I could come back now but I can't.
Maybe some day.
Someday you will be proud of me and I will grow up and be successful and prove you wrong about all the things you say about me. I won't turn out like my mother. I swear I won't. Not for you, but for myself.
Love,
-Alisha<3
--------
Dear Kellan,
I'm sorry that I couldn't always be there for you when you needed me.
I know that you hated when I would leave because you couldn't bare to be there alone but sometimes I had to step back and take a break.
Someday when you are older I hope you will understand.
I know we fight a lot and I know that we won't see each other often but I am always there for you.
I hope that you stop heading down this path that you are on.
Just because things have been hard doesn't mean you need to turn out like a jerk.
When I have a job and I have a car, I promise we will do more things together.
I want to get to know you better I want us to be friends.
I still remember taking care of you when you were a baby.
I love you so much.
I promise things will be okay.
Love,
-Alisha<3
---------
Dear Leah,
Man I miss how things used to be.
I don't even really talk to you anymore.
You are turning into this person that I don't even recognize.
You used to be this person that was so grounded and so perfect, I knew that no matter what I needed to talk to you about you were always there.
I miss the sleepovers and going to eat pie at midnight.
I miss baking cookies and watching movies until sunrise.
Things won't ever be the same between us, and I guess I will just have to get over it.
I wish that we could still talk, but you are so far out of reach.
I wish you would make time for me again, I know you are married but I was there before he came along.
One day we will talk about this and we will travel together and I'll be a role model for some little cousin you give me.
I'll be there for them like you used to be there for me.
Love,
-Alisha<3
---------
I'm sure there are many people that i could write to but that's all I will write to today.
this is as honest as i will ever get.
-Alisha<3
legit.
why are things never fair?
sometimes i wonder why i try so hard when people just fuck me over.
i'm so lonely sometimes, but i have to be strong.
i don't want to be the crazy one,
the one who cuts,
the one who commits suicide,
the one who makes your life so depressing.
but it's like no matter what i do, i don't know how to make you love me like i love you.
i've put everything out there so many times,
and i feel like it gets me no where.
i feel like i need to either be on the brink of suicide for you to care.
i'm sorry, i thought my life was pretty fucked up. i'll try to make it worse for you.
i think about you and my whole body shakes.
it's like an earthquake inside of me and it won't stop.
and i don't know why it's there but it's like i'm ice cold down to my bone.
did you realize that you made me this way?
i want to be that person in your life that makes it worth while.
but i figured out now, that it's asking WAY to much.
you choose awful company, but maybe that's were you belong.
one day,
your gonna realize,
that all you had to do was love me like i loved you.
don't freak.
this may not even be about you.
but then again i could be spilling my guts and cutting out all the names.
----
-Alisha<3
sometimes i wonder why i try so hard when people just fuck me over.
i'm so lonely sometimes, but i have to be strong.
i don't want to be the crazy one,
the one who cuts,
the one who commits suicide,
the one who makes your life so depressing.
but it's like no matter what i do, i don't know how to make you love me like i love you.
i've put everything out there so many times,
and i feel like it gets me no where.
i feel like i need to either be on the brink of suicide for you to care.
i'm sorry, i thought my life was pretty fucked up. i'll try to make it worse for you.
i think about you and my whole body shakes.
it's like an earthquake inside of me and it won't stop.
and i don't know why it's there but it's like i'm ice cold down to my bone.
did you realize that you made me this way?
i want to be that person in your life that makes it worth while.
but i figured out now, that it's asking WAY to much.
you choose awful company, but maybe that's were you belong.
one day,
your gonna realize,
that all you had to do was love me like i loved you.
don't freak.
this may not even be about you.
but then again i could be spilling my guts and cutting out all the names.
----
-Alisha<3
Saturday, January 9, 2010
convulsing
my entire body is shaking
but i can't bring myself to cry.
the tears are there but i'm not gonna be a sucker for you once again.
someday i'll know what's going on in your head.
but i can't bring myself to cry.
the tears are there but i'm not gonna be a sucker for you once again.
someday i'll know what's going on in your head.
i feel like this explains everything that goes through my head.
I am not that bad of a person.
Yes I am. I am greedy and like being right and really dirty sex. But who doesn't want to be right and have there brains fucked out?
Stand up, anyone?
I mean i'm polite, I don't cause problems, i don't ever hurt anyone and dont want to, ever. Sure I may swallow pills, sure I don't take very good care of myself, but I am glad I am me and I will stand behind the decisions I make no matter what everyone thinks. I care about people. I am trying to do something that anyone can enjoy or use to feel better about things. We are all so lonely and horny and doing everything we can to catch someone's eye. If you want me, ask me, you can probably have me.
Yes I am. I am greedy and like being right and really dirty sex. But who doesn't want to be right and have there brains fucked out?
Stand up, anyone?
I mean i'm polite, I don't cause problems, i don't ever hurt anyone and dont want to, ever. Sure I may swallow pills, sure I don't take very good care of myself, but I am glad I am me and I will stand behind the decisions I make no matter what everyone thinks. I care about people. I am trying to do something that anyone can enjoy or use to feel better about things. We are all so lonely and horny and doing everything we can to catch someone's eye. If you want me, ask me, you can probably have me.
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