fuck the people... but use a condom [:

dear world,


i have been having some good times lately.

hanging out with tommy on friday was wonderful and seeing andy was great too. :)
his girlfrenn was really nice and her friend was cracccy but i liked her too.

my mom is coming home this weekend and i'm so glad cos i miss her.

so i pretty much hate photography.
:/
it's so long and boring and i feel awful at it.
i hate asking questions cos it makes me feel dumb.
i should have just taken cosmo like i really wanted too.

idk what else to talk about.



ohh, but did you know?
i love tommy, things are wonderful, i hope things stay like this.
<3
haha i've been wanting to say that.
so there it is.
[:

lovezzzzz.
-Alisha<3

bladyblahblah.

dear world,

i am angry.

my dad AND my brother are gonna be home on friday.
and i want sexytime.!

fuck you guys,
can't you leave and get a freaking life?

blehh.
angry mood.

anddddd, i have something else i wanna say but then people reading this will get sad at me.
but this situation will be lame if what you said is what's gonna happen.

that's all. :/

blahblahblah.


on the upside, i bought a pretty dress today.
and lanna & me had fun this weekend.
and had taco bell twice. :D

i need to do homework.
but i am lazy as fuck.


lovezzzz.
-Alisha<3

heros get remembered legends never die

THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY


-waking up with sweet texts from tommy
-cudddeling<3
-bracelets that say boobies on them
-being called my love or baby
-crazily painted fingernails
-the idea that when my mom gets back things will be better
-the idea of being a hipster
-modern warfare 2
-true blood
-eric&talbot sexy time
-adrian from secret life of the american teenager
-bedazzled phone cases
-sexytime in darkrooms at pickens
-sexytime on a gazebo
-ipod docks
-plain original flavored gum
-shopping
-beautiful socks and beautiful underwears
-undies from victoria secret
-huge crazily colored or shaped clocks
-huge rings
-blogging, tweetin', and facebooking
-befriending people even when you used to hate them
-basketball shirts and band shirts cos it feels like a contradiction
-gossip girl, 90210, project runway, make it or break it, secret life,ugly betty
-Vampire Diaries and the sexy boys that play on it
-Jersey Shore and all the AMAZINGness it involves
-horro movies
-my list of weird places i have kissed/made out
-yearbook club and the rudeness is entails
-trench coat jackets
-make up
-comcast cable
-curly hairr
-haircuts, highlights, dye jobs
-tattooos and pericings
-bagels and cream cheese! [:


i will continue this list everyday so i remember to blog on yeww<3

i'll rip those scandalous bitches throat

Dear World,


Do you feel ignored?
Cos I feel like I am ignoring you.

I'm sorrrry.

Anyways,
idk hat's been going on since I last talked to you.

Well for starters my mom comes home soon.
She'll be done on September 14th and that's exactly two weeks from tomorrow.
I'm ready for her to come back, i miss shopping with her and hanging out an having someone to talk to.

And when my friends and sch are being lame I hang out with her<3

WOAH, am i awesome or what? [:


I've been getting really dizzy and gettting feeling like i'm gonna pass out which is scary.
This hasn't happened in like forever and idk what's causing it.

Well I have an idea but whatever.

It's getting cold outside again! :D
YAYZZ.

Next weekend Lanna is gonna spend the night and we're gonna go dress shopping and it's gonna be awesome. [:
I'm so excited for homecoming.
I feel like i'll be going solo but whatever.

October is almost here, and that is my favorite month. :D
I'm exited for haunted houses and decorating and pumpkins and all that stuuufz<3
and i really hope to do a halloween dance but idk if that will happen.

Idk what else to talk about.
I want to go see The Last Exorcism.

I have no life to talk about.
I need to find a job.

Well whatever.



lovezzzz.
-Alisha<3

crrrrrepo. :)

i want to hear you say it.
speak your truth.

tell me you hate me.
tell me you need me.

am i making you cringe yet?



laying there in the dark, she sensed everything.
she could hear the faint ticking of the clock in the next room.
the television was a soft fuzz that filled the empty sound space.

her mind was blank.
she was emotionless as she tossed and turned in that cold empty bed
is this what being alone feels like?

the phone rings and it rings but she can't pick it up, her arms are so heavy.
why are they so heavy?

two calls.
three calls.
the horrid sound stops.
she sighs a breath of relief.

"i'm terrified."
barely a whisper, no more then a moan
words escaped her dry cracked lips.

escape.
so simple, so effortless.
but that's not what she wants.

in her dreams, there are so many faces.
she can feel all the eyes staring her down.
what will happen? what will she do next?

nothing.

tehe

Dear world,

I had a pretty good weekend. :)
I got a new Victoria secret hoodie which made me like ridiculously happy. :D
i love sales. [:

i also have a job interview at Qdoba tomorrow so i'm so frickken excited.
i can't wait to have a job and have shopping monies.

Emma Harris better not take my job.
I'll beat her up. >:D

I'm really glad I got to spend the weekend with Lanna.
I had missed her so much and we went on lots of adventures with weekend. [:

I also learned how to make friendship braclets but they are a pain and yeah.
i have three now though so that's kewl. :)

i'm super excited for homecoming.
i hope i end up going.
:D

i feel like this is really random and scattered but whatever.

i need to go pick out an outfit for an interview,
jeans and converse? yes or yes? :D

haha.

hopefully,
i get to hang out with Andy next weekend cos we were suppose to this weekend but...
and i hope i go see The Last Exorcism too! :D
but if i get a job who knows. :o


alldone.

lovezzz.
-Alisha<3

ps: i totes forgot to talk about the new baby.

my aunt had a baby on August 20th. :D

her name is Kady and she is adorable.

:]

dear world,

i had an amazing weekend. :)

i gots to spend time with boyfrenn and that always makes me happy.

i feel like things are good again.

i feel like i can breath and act how i want too.
i don't feel like there is all this pressure on me anymore.

i feel bad that you-her makes me happy.
but to be honest, i feel like things are between us now.

am i a bad person for that?

idk,i feel like your happier, i feel like your sad tweets, for the most part, have went away.

eyeonknoww.

i want things to keep feeling thos right.
i want us to be how we were this weekend. :]

i think that can happen.


lanna if you read this,

I MISS YOU SO MUCH!
i feel like i don't see you. ad i feel like idk what is happening in your life anymore.
i can't wait for friday<3


ohhz,
andy, if you read this,
I MISS YOU TOO!
why don't you text me anymore?!

we need to hang out soon, like really soon.

anywayzz.
that's all.
it's true blood time. :D

lovezzzz.
-Alisha<3

when did i become this way

Dear world,

there are so many things i want to talk about.
so many things i need to talk about.

so many things i'm bottling up.

but don't ask me whats wrong.
cos i'll tell you nothing.

over and over again.

lovezzz.
-Alisha<3

Don't ever forget about me.

Dear World,

I wanna say that I have been busy, hence the lack of postings.
But the truth is, I have been avoiding you.

Things just started getting...to real.
To permeant.
To upsetting.
To legit.

I had to check out for a little while.
I couldn't deal anymore.

I couldn't tell anyone how I was feeling.
I was alone.

There wasn't anyone to turn too. There wasn't anyone I could reach out too.
I almost ran away.

In the middle of Sydney, Nebraska, i walked away.
100 degrees, dressed in black, make up all over my face
I ran. I ran like I didn't have a care.
I could feel people following me. I could feel people staring at me, but none of that mattered.
I was alone, again. I was all I could rely on.

I got to this little mom and pop restaurant and I looked in the window and saw all these old couples eating lunch and I can't explain it. I had to sit down.
I felt like I couldn't breathe.
I sat on a bench and read there crappy little newspaper until my mom called me and asked me to come back so my aunt could take me home.

I walked back, because I didn't want a ride. I needed the air.

I walked under this bridge and it inspired some amazing poetry-esk thoughts that i wish i could have written down right then.

Let's see if I can remember:

Looking down all I see is this ledge.
I can feel the air, pushing me closer and closer
Teasing my self with the illusion i'll jump

Life is funny in this sense
You spent your life feeling so heavy
So weighed down you can't control it anymore
You jump.

You feel so weightless,
Everything is out of your control.
You float down, because for those couple of moment
You remember what it felt like to breathe.

That's not exactly the same but it's most of what i can remember with some extra thrown in.

Don't take this as i'm going to jump of an overpass.
This is just what I started thinking when I saw this.

On a happier note, yesterday was amazing.

I got so burned and it makes me sad, but it doesn't even matter.

Yesterday was SO beautiful and amazing and exciting. :)

I can't wait for Warped 2011. [:

lovezzzz.

-Alisha<3

Day Thirty.!

Day Thirty.

My Refelction In A Mirror.

I see lots of things.
I see me in negetive ways.
I see me in posotive ways.

I see someone who is strong and caring.
Someone who won't let you walk all over them.
I see someone who is willing to stand up for what they beileve in.

But on a bad day i see someone who is weak.
Someone who is disgusting and shouldn't be let outside.
I see someone who lets people hurt them over and over because she is to afraid of what the change would be like.
I see someone who has made so many mistakes.
Someone who has been violated and abused.

I am so many different people in my reflection.
I'm working at finding a working medium.

lovezzz.
-Alisha<3



ps. it's crazy that i actually finished this. :)

Day Twenty Nine.

Day Twenty Nine.

A Person You Want To Tell Everything To, But You're Affraid.

there are so many people in my life i am affraid to tell things too.
so many people that think they know me, but they never really will and never really did.
peices of my life are mine, i won't tell anyone. i can't say anything because if i let people know i'm affraid of how they will treat me afterwords.
no one knows what i'm really thinking because if you did you would think i was either a. crazy b. disguting or c. a looney tune.
but for know i am okay with that.

lovezzz.
-Alisha<3

Day Twenty Eight.

Day Twenty Eight.

Someone That Changed Your Life.

My boyfrenn has truley changed my life.
he's helped me through things in my life, that without him i don't know how i would have gotten through. he makes me see that i can be a strong person and that i can move past all the crap in my life.
he helps me realize that two people really can love each other, in a forever kinda way and not hurt each other and put down the other person.
he's jut amazing and he helps me getr by day to day. <3
iloveyou.

lovezzz.
-Alisha<3

Day Twenty Seven.

Day Twenty Seven.

The Freindliest Person You Knew For Only One Day.

I don't know. I meet so many people everyday and depending on the situation they can be the nicest person I have ever met.
Most of those people go into this file in the back of my head that I pull out to remind myself that not everyone is heartless and mean.


lovezzz.
-Alisha<3

Day Twenty Six.

Day Twenty Six.

The Last Person You Made A Pinky Promise Too.

haha umm. i really can't remember.
i now it was at ashleys birthday but i cn't een remember what it was. cos i remember making like a million.
those are obviously some amazing promises if i can't even remember. :]

lovezzz.
-Alisha<3

Day Twenty Five

Day Twenty Five.

The Person You Know Is Going Through The Worst Of Times.

My mom.
I know she put herself in this situation but still.
It has to suck.
I don't wanna talk about this.


lovezzz.
-Alisha<3

Day Twenty Four.

Day Twenty Four.

The Person That Gave Me My First Memory.

so, i don't really get this one.
my first memory was me when i was about 5 sitting in front of the tv laying down with my feetz in the air. :)
i don't remember what i was watching but yeah.
i think it was in the summer because i remember it being really warm and i was in shorts.

that's all.

lovezzz.
-Alisha<3

Day Twenty Three.

Day Twenty Three.

The Last Person I Kissed.


thomasryanklem<3
this kiss happened way to long ago.
i can't wait for him to get back.

i miss him so much it's killing me. :/
i miss the sound of his voice and his hugs.
i miss his laugh and his smile.

california, give my boyfrenn back!


lovezzz.
-Alisha<3

Day Twenty Two.

Day Twenty Two.

Someone I Want To Give A Second Chance Too.


noone.
i've given enough of those to assholes that don't deserve it.


lovezzz.
-Alisha<3

Day Twenty One.

Day Twenty One.

Someone I Judged By Their First Impression.


i judge everyone by there first impression.
if you fuck it up, say something rude, or i get a bitch vibe,
typically i won't like you.
but i do give out second and third impressions if i really wanna like you. :)


lovezzz.
-Alisha<3

Day Twenty.

Day Twenty.

The One Who Broke Your Heart The Most.


i have never had my heart broken.
i have had it bruised and torn.
ripped in a couple places.
stepped on and put in a blender.

but, it has never been broken.


lovezzz.
-Alisha<3

Day Nineteen.

Day Nineteen.

Someone That Pesters Your Mind -Good Or Bad-

-bad-
you don't deserve this blog.
you don't deserve to get your ego fed.
you pester my mind in the worst way.

-good-

well the word 'pester' doesn't sound that great. but tommy is always on my mind. no matter what i am doing, no matter who i am with, i can't stop wishing we were together. missing him to death. he's my everything<3


lovezzzz.
-Alisha<3

Day Eighteen.

Day Eighteen.

The Person I Wish I Could Be.


i wish i could be beautiful.
i wish i could stick to diets and work out plans.
i wish i could get rid of my negative traits.
i wish i could stop being so jealous all the time.
i wish my moods wouldn't fluctuate so often.
i wish i could make people wanna be around me.
i wish i could please everyone.

i wish i could make over who i am and become someone better, someone people could love and care about.



lovezzz.
-Alisha<3

Day Seventeen.

Day Seventeen.


Someone From My Childhood.


oh the days of young sandbox love, when i meant i knew we were meant to be.
you're name was Daniel, and you were beautiful.
we were meant to get married in Hawaii and have tiny little sports loving babies.
i know that i was previously in love with your best friend, Dylan, but it was nothing compared to my love for you. we used to write plays together and cut peoples hair, we could play poker in the back of Mr.Ingles coat closet, hidden behind mounds of old forgotten winter wear. but alas, you broke my heart. fifth grade came to end and you were moving away from me. to the rough and tough tundra of the rocky mountains, it was perfect for you and bad for our budding romance.
i used to write about you in my diary and how i thought we were going to make sweet passionate love in our play practicing room. i would never let that horrid Megan take you away from me. We were forever and she was just a temporary blonde fix.
ahh, those were the days.


lovezzz.
-Alisha<3>

Day Sixteen.

Day Sisteen.

WARNING, i'm not goning to edit spelling mistakes/tyoingmistakes.

Someone Th'ats Not In my State Of COuntry


My gradnma pam.

well i haven't seen my gradnma in like 4 or 5 years and she lives really far away. she used to visit but she doesn't really anymore. her and my mom don't get along so yeahh. i relly don't talk to her much and she's one of those people that just kinda buys you off, but whatever


lovezzz.
-Aisha<3

soy you know i feel dumb cos i can't spell my name right. :(

Day Fifteen.

Day Fifteen.


Someone You Miss Most.

I miss my old friends.
I miss my grandma.
I miss my cousins.
I miss bestfriends in the past.

and, apparently, I miss Lanna. :)

and i miss tommy. :(

i also miss Alanna's sexyface.

lovezzzz.
-Alisha<3

Day Fourteen.

Day Fourteen.

Something That Inspires Me.


everything, everyone.
but especially,
your mom.

lovezzz.
-Alisha<3

Day Thirteen.

Day Thirteen.


A Memory The Never Fails To Make You Laugh.


it makes me laugh when i think about flicking lanna in the face.
that's all. <3


lovezzz.
-Alisha<3

Day Twelve.

Day Twelve.

My Definition Of Love.


Love is that moment of uncontrollable emotion where you can't ever see your existence without that person. When you feel like you would do anything to keep that person in your life and that you can do anything. You feel invincible and perfect; when you find that person, you are truly happy.

i wrote that about a year ago for one of ashley's papers.
it's perfect.


lovezzz.
-Alisha<3

Day Eleven.

Day Eleven.


The Most Awkward First Impression I Feel I've Given.


Haha.
Okai, so way back the first couple months of freshman year we had some sort of after school thing where parents would be invited. Well, I being amazing, decided on these days I would wear a tutu and tons of jewelry and just be awesome. :) Well I was dating Tommy and I hadn't yet met his parents and they came and I was there in a tutu and super bright skinnies. :) Not only did I look like a big five year old but I was acting like one. At first I didn't think anything of it, but when I think back I realize the awkward looks his family was giving me and such. But heyy, they deff got to know the real me that day. :)



lovezzz.
-Alisha<3

Day Ten.

Day Ten.

Someone I don't talk to as much as I'd like.


Meet Aaron.
He's the big brother I never had. He is so sweet and he looks out for me and sticks of for me. :) I miss him terribly. We don't talk that often anymore and I miss him. He used to call me almost everyday and he would explain the weirdest shit to me and teach me how to play Pokemon over the phone; quite a difficult task, but he managed. He's that big goth guy that walks around in trip pants and trench coats and you think he's a complete loner and jerk, but he's really just a big teddy bear. I think that I need to go visit him soon, or he should drive to see me. <3

Meet Jake.
Ahh Jake. This kid is so silly. :) Apparently we have a family in Mexico with eight kids and lots of pigs and other farm animals. When he turns 18 i'm going to Vegas with him and buying him his first lap dance, because he promised his dad he could be the one to buy him his first prostitute. :) Our conversations never make sense but it's better that way. I haven't talked to him in...6 months? :/ and I miss him and i'm worried about him. After all the things that happened with his baby he went MIA and I haven't talked to him since then. I need to fix that.


Writing this made me realize how much I miss this group of people who used to be so important in my life. Who wants to go to Summit county with me? :)
I miss my frendzzz.

lovezzzz.
-Alisha<3


PS. I am aware that this is very late but I have a lot going on yesterday so suck it. :)

Day Nine.

Day Nine.


Someone I Want To Meet.


I want to meet a lot of people. Right now there are a few people in mind I want to meet.

First, I want to meet the guys from Passion Pit. :) I want to tell them how much they mean to me and how there music has helped me in my life, even if they don't care or remember me.

Second, I want to meet Tommy's like grandparents and such. It would mean a lot to me to know more of his family and for them to get to know me.

Third, I want to meet Matthew Lush because he is the one who made me want to be a vegetarian. :)

That's all for now. :)


lovezzzz.
-Alisha<3

Day Eight.

Day Eight.

A thank you letter to someone who has changed my life.

Normal day eight was lame, on both mine and Lanna's blogs so I stole her day five.

I actually have two thank you letters to write.

Well three. :)

Dear Paul,

Thank you so much for inspiring me how you have. Everyday in your class was a different experience and everyday I learned something about life and about the person I want to become. You have helped me grow as a person and realize all the potential I have and all the things I can give to others. I've never meant someone who knew themselves as well as you do and was so willing to share there personal experiences to help someone else realize something about there life. There are some days I don't know what I would have done without you, knowing I could come to your room after school and just talk to you was amazing. You were always there when I needed a shoulder to cry on or just a room to talk shit. :) I knew that you were going to impact my life when within the first couple of weeks of school I made you cry with my work. In that moment I was more proud of myself then I had ever been because through writing I could move someone to tears. Thank you for making me believe in myself. Thank you for letting me know that I'm not alone.

Love,

Alisha.<3

Dear Brooke,

I don't even know where to begin. You were like my own personal therapist everyday. I could come to you no matter what the situation and you just listened and never judged. Even though you had such a different upbringing then me you always tried to give me the best advice you could give. I always knew that no matter what you were doing, if I needed you, you would stop what you were doing and talk to me. Thank you for letting me be a complete nut case and cry in your room all the time. Thank you for letting me sit on your tables and talk shit with Lanna almost everyday after school during the second semester. :) Thank you for pushing me to finish my math work, because without you telling me to keep going, I would have stopped and prolly failed. I feel really bad I haven't texted you this summer. I know I wanted too, but I know you have a lot of things going on. But anyways, I love you. :) haha.

Love,

Aisha.<3

Dear Mark,

Thank you for being one of the most amazing teachers I have ever had. Thank you for pushing me and making me open up. Thank you for the ridiculous class discussions about all things you grow up being told are not okay to talk about in school. Thank you for inspiring me with your photography. Thank you for never failing to make me laugh when I was having the shittest of shitty days. Thank you for drawing smiley faces on my head. Thank you for all the ibuprofen you gave me over the year. Thank you for teaching me what it means to be a good person and a good citizen. Thank you for being hard on me and not letting me slack off. Thank you for what you wrote in my yearbook, short and sweet it may have been but it was beautiful. Oh, and thank you for making fun of the klemanator and his mom when he wasn't around. :) but also, thank you for telling me that we belong together. :) You are an amazing person and someday, we're gonna go out for ice cream together. :D

Love,

Alisha<3

lovezzzzz.

-Alisha<3

letters to you.

dear world,


lists of things i want to say.
some of these will be to the same person.

- i miss you. but i want you to ask me to hang out, not me asking you.

- you made me so upset, and i thought i ruined our friendship and even though i didn't what you did hurt.

- i want to trust you.

- i love you. thank you for being there for me when i was so upset.

- even though advice giving isn't your thing thank you for listening.

- i hate you.

- i want to believe that you can change, but i just don't.

- please don't lie to me again. i just couldn't take it.

- when are we gonna go shopping?!

- what are you gettting me??

- are you gonna buy me a droid? i hope your gonna buy me a droid! are you gonna get me a car? cos i REALLY want one. [:

and this is a not to me.

you are strong and a good person.. i don't let people walk on you anymore. you deserve the best and nothing but the best. i love you.<3

i sound like affirmation girl. ;D


anywayssss.


lovezzzzz.
-Alisha<3

Day Seven.

Day Seven.

An Ex Boyfrenn.

Meet Alex.

He is truly one of the most selfless people I know. He has a huge heart and he is still one of my best friends. I've always been able to talk to him about anything. He was indeed long distance, but I cared about him very much. He has a new girlfriend and she is sweet and they are in love and adorable. He is happy for me and I am happy for him. :) I think we will be friends for a long time and i'm glad we came out of everything still best friends like before. I'm glad we aren't like hating each other like I am with some other ex's. He's awesome. :D

Anywaysss. Thats all. :)

lovezzzz.

-Alisha<3>

day six.

Day Six

5 Songs I Can't Live Without.

the original one was a stranger, but i couldn't think of anything and that's lame so i stole one of Lanna's.

1. Heroes Get Remembered, Legends Never Die - Four Year Strong.

I am completely and totally in love with this song. When it comes on I feel like dancing and head-banging. It makes me want to sing and it makes me feel happy inside. <3>

2. Who Can Say - The Horrors.

There is something about this song, I can't explain what it means to me. It just sounds beautiful to my ears and I tweet the lyrics all the time. I love his voice, I can fall asleep to this song or just listen to it for hours. The song is so sad, but so amazing at the same time.

3. Thunder - Boys Like Girls.

This is our song. No matter how I am feeling about you I can't skip this song on my ipod. I remember when we were on our way back to school from a field trip, way back at the beginning of Freshman year this song came on your iPod and we each had a headphone and I grabbed your hand and we looked at each other and it was a perfect moment. And that was before this was even our song.

4. Wishing Well - The Airborne Toxic Event.

I am in love with this band. Every song I have ever heard is brilliant. His voice and like deep and scratchy and has a way of making me feel confident. I don't know why, but I love it. It also has some of my favorite lyrics on it.<3

5. Live To Tell The Tale or Let Your Love Grow Tall - Passion Pit

Both of these songs are beautifully sounding and the voices are nice and calming. I would need Passion Pit in my life. They've helped me get through some of the most difficult times. They are my favorite and I can't wait to see them in October.

There are so many more songs I want to pick. :/

But I'll just choose these for now.

lovezzzzz.

-Alisha<3

day five.

day five.

my dreams.


i dream that someday things will get easier for me.
i dream that i will be happy.
i dream that i can change someones life.
i dream that i can mean everything to someone.
i dream that people will stop hurting me.
i dream that someone will love me enough to except me and treat me how i should be treated.
i dream that someday someone will give me all they have.<3
i dream that i can live comfortably and see the world.
i dream that i can grow up and be a good person.
i dream all my friends find someone that will make them happy.



lovezzzzz.
-Alisha<3

we were only 17...

Dear world,



AHHHHH!
FUCK YOU! :D


end.


lovezzzz.
-Alisha<3

PS. Sometimes there is so much i wanna say and instead i say asshole things and feel better about life. :)

Day Four.

Day Four.


My Brother.


Oh there are so many things I could say.
We fight all the time.
Most of the time I can't stand being around him.
But I love my brother more then anything, and I would do anything for him.
Even though I feel bad for him, and I hate that he's been through so much, I know he's strong and he will always have me in his life.
I wish I could take care of him always and make sure nothing hurts him.
In a way I feel like i've helped raise him.
Anywaysss, that's all.


lovezzz.
-Alisha<3

day three. blah blah blah.

Day Three.


My Parents.

For the most part, I have a shit relationship with the both of them.
They make me feel like shit, and I want to get emancipated as soon as possible.
I'm unmotivated to write this.

Ohkay,
I'm feeling more motivated now.
I'm not gonna lie and say that I have a good relationship with my family.
I'm not gonna pretend that I always love them and we never fight.
90% of the time, I can't stand being around them.
Mostly, they just make me feel like I can't do anything right and that al my choices are stupid.
Sure, if it wasn't for them I wouldn't be here, but I hate feeling like I owe them credit for accidentally having a kid.
Anyways, theres to much to write for one blog and it would make me feel like shit.
So yeahh.
I don't hate them, but to be honest, idk if I love them.
I care and they mean a lot to me, but that's all I can say right now.



lovezzzz.
-Alisha<3

day two. my loveee.

Day Two.

My Crush.


Thomaryanklem<3


I don't have a crush, I have the most amazing boyfrenn in the entire world. he is so special to me, i love him more to anything. he is always there for me no matter what the situation i can count on him. he lets me act silly and dumb and he still smiles at me and tells me he loves me. :) i like that we can just lay around and watch movies and we still have fun together.
ilovetommybecause, he lets me drag him to dumb movies, holds me when i cry, cheers me up when i'm down, lets me talk to him in my baby voice, saves me from making bad choices, holds me tight when we hug, kisses better then anyone else in the world, tells me he loves me constantly, takes silly pictures with silly effects with me, listens when i complain, puts up with my bitch moods, kisses my head when it hurts, looks into my eyes and smiles, goes to sex stores with me ;), cares about me 110% of the time, wears silly man rings, buys me pretty things, wears twilight necklaces with corny lines on them, lets me do his hair [:, touches me inappropriately, gossips with me about bitches, and because he calls me lovemuffin<3, and so much more. :)

i love you baybeedoll[:
Always and forever.



lovezzzz.
-Alisha<3

Day One.

Day One- My Bestfriend.

LANNA HORNY!

This is my bestfrann. :)
I love her lots and lots because we like to sit at two person date tables, spin around, dance to silly songs, race in pools, cuddle, talk to strangers in a sexual manner, watch movies involving horny gay boys or biting chickens heads off, make forts, drink ohjay and crown ;), go shopping, touch every piece of clothing we find pretty, run from our problems, talk shit in Brooke's room, talk about being racist, fuck with bitches on Formspring, make list we won't ever keep, and talk shit on Modern Warefare 2. ;D
She is the bestest friend a gurl could ask for, and I love her even though she's fakeeeeee! [:

Your my favoritest I ever seeen!



lovezzz.
-Alisha<3

30 days.

Day 1 — Your Best Friend Day

Day 2 — Your Crush Day

Day 3 — Your parents Day

Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)

Day 5 — Your dreams

Day 6 — A stranger

Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

Day 23 — The last person you kissed

Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

something.

dear world,

i'm gonna do this thing where i don't talk to anyone.
something is off and i need a break.
i need an escape from everyone.

if i don't text you back, don't call you back.
i'm sorry.

i just need some time.

i'm to emotional to talk to people right now.

bye.

lovezzzz.
-Alisha<3

your cover melting inside, with wide eyes you tremble.

dear world,

this blog is going to be in many parts and prolly be very long.

partone. last night.


i had an amazing day yesterday.
i got to spend time with my love and just hang out and watch a movie and listen to music.
it was on of those nice chill days where things just feel nice.
we went to southlands and hung out with andy and it was amazing to meet him.
he is so amazing an so funny an sweet. :)
i felt really happy to meet him.
he's definitely someone i could see myself hanging out with more often.

part two. last night after chipotle.

im sorry we had a misunderstanding.
i told you we could hang out.
i told you i would meet you.
but no. you got so emotional.
you went out and got drunk.
you scream at me and tell me to fuck myself.
to get of my high horse and stop acting like a princess.

you know what!
fuck you!
i should have told dad to leave to pass out at southlands.
i should have told him to leave you there to attempt to walk home.
instead of driving around for 45 minuets before you finally got in the fucking car.
do you realixe how sick you make me?
how much i hate you sometimes.

i can;t do this anymore.
i will get a job and i will get emancipate.
and when i turn 18 i'm going to move across the world and you'll never have to see me again.
you'll never get a chance to disappoint me again. to make me cry.

do you know how embarrassing is was to have to drag you out of there with someone i had just meant and my boyfriend there?
not that you care.
your to selfish to give a fuck.
UGH you are pathetic.

oh! and dad.
you need to grow some fucking balls and tell her to gtfo.
she needs it.
tell her to go to rehab.
cos if you pick her over me again, you won't get another chance.
ever.

i can't talk about this anymore.
i'm getting angry.

part three. stupid bitch.

you, you know who you are.
STOP STALKING MY SHIT.
you are creepy as fuck and you are intensely pissing me off to the point i'm going to find some way of getting in contact with you and telling you if you keep treating my boyfrenn and me the way i do, i will beat the shit out of you. and i'm not kidding.
and if you think i'm scared of you, your fucking crazy.
i'm done with you referencing me in you blog.
GROW SOME FUCKING BALLS AND SAY IT TO ME!
your so pathetic it's fucking ridiculous.
you won't ever do anything to get in between us so stop making a fool of yourself and back the fuck up.
i'm over your games.
i'm over your fake personality.


part four.

i love you but the fact that when i needed you most and you weren't there just made me really sad inside.
that's all.


part five.

i said somethings to tommy last night i haven't been able to say to anyone ever.
some things i never wanted to admit.
never wanted to say out loud.
i hate i finally am okay with your decisions
because i don't want anyone else feeling this way.


i can't bring myself to blog anymore.
so this is all for now.
not as long as i though.



lovezzzz.
-Alisha<3

ohh life. :)

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Good horror movie! GO! :]
Stranger: stick your finger up your butt
Stranger: shutter island
Stranger: fuck me on elm street
You: mmmbaby.
You: thank you. you actually participated.
Stranger: now shoe me them tits
You: show me that dick!
Stranger: excuse me?
You: ...?
Stranger: ok fine :)
You: your my new bestie just so you know. :]
Stranger: oo kinky...
You: you know, fosho
Stranger: ooo kinkier...
Stranger: how are we besties?
You: cos your awesome. :) and i love you.
Stranger: how can i be your fuck bud.. i mean bestie
Stranger: lets do this hardcore
You: do you believe in god?
You: hardcore to jesus music!
Stranger: why yes...yess i do
Stranger: you wanna do it hardcore to jesus music?
You: yes, yes i do.
Stranger: hmm how wil this work?
You: we're gonna listen to jesus music while i show you ma tits. ;)
Stranger: :O that would be so cool, ok send something and then music
Stranger: ...right? we are besties?
You: 10 INCHES SOFT?!
Stranger: mhhm and your tits?

Standing There With Nothing on, She's Gonna Teach Me How To Swim

We had fun on chat rooms. :D You wish you were this boss.

--

You: Hey
Stranger: hi
You: How are you?
Stranger: im fine thank u
Stranger: hw bout u
You: I'm pretty dandy.
Stranger: so whats on ur mind
You: Well i'm thinking about worms with afros. what's on your mind?
Stranger: so?
Stranger: the zulu tribes f africa
You: why?
Stranger: r u a girl
You: I am. are you?
Stranger: fortunately not
Stranger: wats ur name
You: Nancy. What's your name?
Stranger: abby
Stranger: u 4m?
Stranger: u gt me waiting girl
You: what 4m?
Stranger: location
You: london.
You: you?
Stranger: chat with me only 4 god sakes
You: ...what?
Stranger: usa
Stranger: dont chat simultaneously with 2 strangers
You: i'm not. your the only person i am talking to.
Stranger: u were taking a long time 2 reply
You: Oh, sorry. What kind of name is Abby for a boy? No offense.
Stranger: its abhishek, my loved ones call me abby
You: Am I a loved one then, cos you told me your name was abby? where are you from?
Stranger: i told u usa
You: i meant like where is your name from.
Stranger: ur a slow typer
You: sorry.
Stranger: oh it is an indian word that means crowning
You: i totally knew you were indian. :)
Stranger: hw
Stranger: dont disconnect
You: cos your name reminded me of indians. but idk why.
Stranger: u hate indians, right
You: umm, noo. pretty down with the indians. [:
Stranger: so wats the problem
You: there is no problem.
Stranger: i
You: i what?
Stranger: i dont no ur asl
You: 17/london/girl. asl?
Stranger: where in london
Stranger: type faster
You: in london.
Stranger: faster
You: calm down boo. dang.
Stranger: sorry
You: it's fine. so how old are you?
Stranger: 19
Stranger: whats the time there
You: 8.
You: in the morning.
Stranger: that means ur telling the truth. i respect u
You: ohh alright. what time is it where you are?
Stranger: 1340hrs, london is 5 hrs 30 mins behind us
Stranger: faster
You: ohh, like military time?
Stranger: could i have ur phone number
You: that's a little creepo, i don't know you that well you could like come to my house and kill me.
Stranger: mine is 9545374399
Stranger: and i have a descent upbringing
Stranger: so i wont kill u
Stranger: i may love u though
You: haha. well i'd still feel weird giving my number out to some stranger in the website.
Stranger: fast darling
Stranger: so u dont trust me
You: i don't know you...
Stranger: u can trust me
Stranger: i promise
You: ... no
You: because that;s weird
Stranger: give me a call then
You: no.
Stranger: pls
You: why?
Stranger: this is hw friends become
You: not really. i meet my friends at like school...
You: not random phone number exchanges
Stranger: seee i really gotta go. i could have talked 2 u but u refused.
You: if you write me a poem, i'll call you
Stranger: beauty is something that cannot perish and yet it seems a lie
Stranger: by thinking of a certain person u cant get him if u try
Stranger: ??
You: ?
Stranger: call me believe me, i dont want 2 go but i have 2. pls
Stranger: believe me
Stranger: bye
You: goodbye
You: my love
Stranger: call me pls
You: ok
Stranger: love u
You: i love you too. i'll call when you disconnect
You: i promise
You: i saved your number
Stranger: i believe u. u wont let me down
Stranger: bye

--

Stranger: 15m
You: i love you and want to be with you forever and ever. don't ever leave me.
Stranger: Asl?
You: love has no age, location, or gender.
You: oh, but i am a girl
Stranger: Well at least m or f. Then I'll never leave
You: f
Stranger: I want u
You: do you love me back?!
You: i want you too!!
Stranger: I do
Stranger: Facebook?
You: I never thought that this would happen so fast... here we are like two minutes into a conversation, and the love is so deep. this will change our lives forever!!

--

Stranger: I'm a guy looking for female nudes! wanna trade pics??
You: YES
Stranger: cool you first?
You: jaykay
You: lolz
Stranger: im still sending you mine baby

--

Stranger: male?
You: female
Stranger: from>?
You: usa
Stranger: nicer
Stranger: nice
Stranger: age?
You: 17
You: yu?
Stranger: 22
You: you*
Stranger: male
You: from?
Stranger: miami
You: do you jam to the song by lmfao called i'm in miami bitch?
Stranger: lol
You: cause i would.
Stranger: its the top song on ipod
Stranger: where ur from? what state
You: colorado
Stranger: wow
Stranger: that high
You: yeah lol
Stranger: u like the snow?/
Stranger: aspen?
You: oh hell no
You: never been to aspen.
Stranger: u ever seen dumb and dummer
You: yeahhh.
Stranger: that y i know aspen
You: haha. it's like... the rich people part that no one ever goes to unless they live there.
Stranger: ohhh
Stranger: i want to live their
You: it's snowy, too snowy.
You: even in the summer.
Stranger: wow
Stranger: cool
Stranger: what music u like??
You: everythinggggg.
You: you?
Stranger: lady gaga?
You: YES
Then he disconnected...
---

And Alisha doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about :p

-Lanna <3

i know that you may love me, but i just cannot be with you like this anymore, Alejandro.

dear world,


so...
lately i have been in a crappy mood.
my dad has just been a huge dick and i'm always getting yelled at.
or being told how awful i am.
or being told that everything is my fault.

i'm over it.
i keep wanting to just get up and walk out.
but where would i go.

on a happier note:

i want to go undies shopping wiff andy soon. [:
cos it's gonna be lots and lots of fun!

and hopefully tomorrow i'm gonna go hang out wiff tommy<3
and then lanna will spend the night and we'll make cake and go swimming. :) haha

i gets a new phone in like 20 days and i'm so frickken excited. :D
droid?
imagio?
eyeonknoww. :p

i'm just rambling cos i don't has anything to say. :p

i've become pretty close with someone lately,
or at least i feel we have.
i like it, it's nice to have someone to talk to.
they make me feel like they care.
[:
it's a nice change.

anywayss.
uhh this is all. :)

OHHWAIT!
My birthday is in 40 days!
:DDDD

lovezzzz.
-Alisha<3

PS. Tommy needs to write the blog he said he was going too!
So when you read this, just do it! :D

a b c i c u w x y don't u c me too.

dear world,


hehe
pathetic little biotch.
[:
you make me laugh.
whine whine whine, that's all you ever do.
no wonder your life has turned to the way it is. :p

oh and no matter how many times anyone asks me, i don't think i should tell anyone who this is about.

my boyfrenn has reception again and it makes me happy. <3

lovezzz.
-Alisha<3

oh baby dream about it.

dear world,


i haven't blogged in like two weeks.
i kinda forget about you.
plus you cause me problems sometimes. :p

i'm gonna be happy.
if i focus on it, it'll happen.

i'm excited about new phone time.
i keep looking at phones and getting all happy. :D

htc imagio?
droid?

i can't decideeeeee. :o


do you know what i want?
i want you to tell me that you miss me.
i want you to call me just for 5 minuets just to say hi and that you love me.

-end sad part of the blog.

i'm really happy about getting closer to andy.
he's been keeping me happy lately.
making me laugh.
he's super dooper amazingly fantasticle! :D


anywayssss.
i made cheesecake last night. :) es yummy

lovezzzz.
-Alisha<3

ohh.
ps. i'm working on a new story.
i'm excited about it.
i'm glad i started reading again.
3 books so far this summer. WHUTWHUT. [:

the name of the game is humiliation and thanks for your admiration.

dear world,


i hate when i feel like nothings gonna make me not feel sad.
-end.


lovezzz.
-Alisha<3

good dick.

dear world,


ugh. :{
i hate when you do this to me.
please just tell me when things are going on.
i can help, even if it's just talking to me about your problems.
i want to help you.
let me fucking in please.

i miss you.
i miss you so much it hurts.
but i don't want to be the first one to say that.
even though, i guess through this i already did.
whatever.
:|

i hope tomorrow is fun.
i hope friday is fun too.
i kinda feel like i'm gonna be a third wheel even though i made the plans.
but whatever.
as long as i get to see you it doesn't really matter<3


lovezzzz.
-Alisha<3

end.

dear world,


this is directed at one person and only one person.
and when they read this they will know it's them.

thank you.
i want you to know how much i truly appreciate everything you have done for me and all the times you've helped me and just listened to me talk.
i know i'm not the easiest person to get along with, and i know sometimes i can be a lot to handle
but you are always there for me, when i need you most.
even if you just listen and don't say a word.
thank you. thank you so much.

questions answered.

dear world,


i want to answer two questions I get asked all the time.
i know that the people who ask this won't ever read this but, i don't care.
i need to get these words out.

question one.
why are you a vegetarian?

i am a vegetarian because the idea of eating meat, makes me cringe.
the smell of meat even sometime makes my stomach upset.
the idea of eating a poor animal, being shot down in the middle of the woods to give me nourishment i can get from other sources is awful.
oh and the idea of an animal never even getting to see the outdoors,
being born into a disgusting, dirty slaughter house where they are stuffed until they are so big there legs break and they can't move is even more awful.
You will never make me see your reasoning behind eating meat.
I don't care how it tastes, i don't care if you say its "how nature is", it's disgusting and horrible.


question two.
why don't you believe in god?

I spent the first, at least, 9 years of my life hearing everyone tell me how great god is, and how if you accept him into your life you will see that everything works itself out and you will go to heaven and live forever with him and his perfectness.
Everyone said that if I prayed to god, he would fix all the problems in my life.
So I prayed. Until I was 11 I prayed he'd fix my mom. That he'd fix my dad. That he would take away all the pain from my life,
but you know what happened.
Nothing.
He didn't do a thing.
He didn't reach into my life and make my parents stop drinking.
He just made me feel completely pathetic.
He didn't take away all the hurt I felt, all the sadness that plagued me everyday, he didn't make me feel any better.
I refuse to believe that there is some higher power fixing lives and making everything better.
That's just not how things are.




anyways.
i feel better now.

lovezzz.
-Alisha<3

lalala

dear wold,


i worked out a lot of things.
the person i was talking about in my previous blog told me he was worried he was the only one missing the other and that's why he hadn't called and such.
it made me happy to know he wants to be friends.

and yesterday was amazing
and it made a bit less scared about this summer sucking.
it was the perfect way to start a hopefully really good summer.

i think that you need to come over and we just need to talk.
i feel like i have no idea what is going on with you.
what's wrong?

i really wanna go to 3oh!3 and cobra starship tonight.
it would be such a fun concert. :)
let's go?

anywaysss.
i think i need to start job hunting.
i need some monies and something consistent to do this summer.


lovezzzzz.
-Alisha<3

i'm sick of this feeling. it's making me sick.

dear world,


so theres something i would like to say.

i have been thinking about you a lot lately.
i see you on facebook and i miss how good of friends we used to be.
i wish that i could just call you, but i can't.

we used to be able to talk and talk for hours
but now, it makes me feel weird.

i can't put a word on the emotion because i don't know what it is.
it's just strange
and something i never felt when we used to talk.

it's hard for me to see how different we have become.
it's hard to think about how much you once meant to me and how far we have drifted apart.
you were my best friend long before it became anything more.
and i want to be friends again.

you were there for me through some of the hardest times in my life
and it hurts to know your not there for anything now.

i don't know how to fix it.
and i haven't been able to tell anyone i feel this way.



on a different subject.

i'm terrified for summer.
if you get a job and work everyday,
when will I ever get to see you.

i can't do it again where i see you twice in a two and a half month period.
it'll hurt so bad.

i miss you already, even though i see you everyday.
i want to just hug you everytime i see you
and hold your hand, but you never get my hints
or maybe you just don't want too.

blehh.
i feel awful.
being sick is so shit. :|


lovezzzzz.
-Alisha<3

dayum he's nippin'. ;D

dear world,



i had a great day. :D
me and lanna took amazing picturessss
and drew beautiful peices of art on the sidewalk.

YAY chalk. [;


ohh and guess what.
ILOVEYOUTOMMYRYANKLEM. <3
very very very muhh;
:D


lovezzzzz.
-Alisha<3

your love is my drug

dear world,


i feel so much better about things right now.

andy you're amazing thank you for this conversation.
you've helped me more then you know. [:

i want to remember this conversation when things get hard
and it's hard to remember that i'm winning in this huge tug of war thing going on.


well,
i've got far to much energy to go to sleep.
someone pull an all nighter with me?
:D


lovezzzz.
-Alisha<3

what do you think when you her my name? am i in your every though?

dear world,


i don't know.
idk
eyeonknow.
noeeeoneeknowss.


you'll never understand how much this hurts.
no matter how many times i tell you it doesn't mater.

i can't be the girl that does that, even though i want to be.

i wish you'd stop making threats.
grow some fucking balls and suck it up.
there are so many people who have had it worse then you.

ugh, your name makes me shake.
physically tremor.
it's ridiculous.

i hate how there is this huge part of me that is so happy.
so fucking happy, i feel like dancing
feel like singing

but then theres this part that feels awful.
part of me can't crawl out of this whole i've been in and be okay.

and i don't want you to know how scared that made me.
i don't want you to know the real reason i feel bad about telling you when things are wrong.
cos it kills me a little inside each time i think about it.
i'm not over it,
and i can't figure out why.

i wish someone would call me and ask me what's wrong.
i wish someone wanted to hear about these things i can't stop thinking about.

but that's dumb.
i should reach out and ask for help.
but who do i ask?

i really did have an amazing weekend.
saturday was really amazing, even if it wasn't what we had initially planned.
i want to keep the picture of that night in my head.
and it will make things better
but i can't help feeling like if i got these thoughts out of my head,
i'd feel completely better.
but your happiness is more important then mine.
to me at least<3
dayum i'm so whipped sometimes.


you know like over half of this blog is about people
you wouldn't even think it was about.
each part is about like 4 people.
how strange.

i just did something i don't know if i wanted to do.
but i need someone.



lovezzzz.
-Alisha<3

baby let me love you down, theres so many ways to love you.

dear world,



i've been thinking this same thing for a while now,
but i don't want to write about it here.

i haven't cried in a week and thinking about this thing,
writing about this thing,
will lead to tears and i don't want that.

the more i read your blog
the more i find out that i can't read you.
you cover up everything so god damn well
that i don't know what's wrong till you confess to your blog.

i want to be able to look at you and know that you aren't okay but i can't.
that makes me sad inside.

i want to be the one thing inyour life that works.
i don't want to make you feel bad
i don't want to make you upset.
i don't want you to feel like your done with everything, including me.

i want to be that part of your life you go to when everything else is going to shit.
but i'm not.
i just further complicate your life.
that sucks.

tell me what i can do to make it better for you?
tell me what i can do to make me perfect?


lovezzzz.
-Alisha<3

keep saying that your fine, but you just lost your shine.

dear world,


i keep saying that i want it to be summer.
but the closer it gets,
the sadder i feel.

i'm gonna miss you so much,
it's gonna hurt so bad.
and you say we'll see each other,
but how am i suppose to know.

all i know is that i can't do last summer.
that killed me inside. :|

blehh.
i just don't know what to do.


lovezzzz.
-Alisha<3

your beautiful[:

dear world,


all i feel is happy.

it's a beautiful thing,
it's new to me though.

i want it to stay.

i had the most amazing friday.
you don't realize how madly in love with you i am.
days like that make me realize how i want to be with you forever.

you hold me so tight
and those cute little things you do when you sleep
your wonderful in every single way.

i miss your arms around me
everytime i lay down
but it will happen again soon

i think i'm ready for summer
so i can spend the days with you.

i'm just really happy.
i'm glad that you can do this for me.

i miss kissing you
i could spend all day kissing you<3

i love you so much bby<3



lovezzzz.
-Alisha<3

i see through all your little white lies.

i just can't keep crying.
and feeling like i'm dying.

this feeling is caving me inside
and i don't want to be here.

i don't understand,
where we went all wrong.
things feel to fucked up to fix.

all the love we share
shuts me inside.
i can't loose you one more time.

your so out of reach
and it hurts every time
i reach out and all you do is back away.

i think if i left people would be happier.
i think i get what you've always meant.

people see who i want them to see.
but who the fuck am i really?

this isn't fair.
just let me go.

i'm just as confused as ever.

dear world,


today had good and bad parts.

i really wanted to hang out with JUST you at lunch but you didn't seem down.
why? :|

i had a really good talk with Jorge.
That kid is amazing and he made me realize some things
that I don't think I was considering.
And he made me realize it's okay to not be okay with things
and that I have every right to take some time to get past this.
He understands me.
and it makes me happy.

I realized many things today actually.

I got a new purple shirt.
i'm diggin' it. [:

i really want to spend tomorrow with you.
but some how, i don't see that happening.

anywaysss.
i'm gonna dye my hair tonight.
i'm excited.


lovezzzz.
-Alisha<3

don't worry baby. everything will turn out alright.

dear world,


i realized something today.
something i already knew and this confirmed it.
whatever.
i need to get out of my bed and stop feeling sorry for myself.

so i'm not gonna let todays shittyness ruin this week because i actually had a good week.
i wanna go to the movies.
prolly won't happen but it's out there.

uhmm yeahh.
i wish that i could go to Ari's gig tomorrow.
Stupid 16+. :|
Why am I such a baby?


anywayy that's all.


lovezzzz.
-Alisha<3

i lovelovelove you too! :D

dear world,


today was perfect.
there really aren't any other words to describe it.

i love you so much<3
you are amazing.


lovezzzz.
-Alisha<3

you slay me.

dear world,

so lets see.
i have a head full of thoughts...
kinda.
but nothing i really wanna talk about right now.

well this blog is pointless.


lovezzzz.
-Alisha<3

i've got bruises on my knees for you.

dear world,


get ready for a long blog with mulitiple quick subject changes and not a lot of me actually making since.


i realized how badly i want us to be like other people.
i want to go on dates and spend days together
and meet your grandparents in family dinners.
i want to see you over christmas and trick or treat with you on halloween.
i want to spend our birthdays together because there is nothing else i would rather be doing.


i always dreamed when i got to high school i would go on dates.
and boys would come to my door with flowers and take me to the movies and to dinner.
and we would kiss underneath the glow of the porch light.
i hoped i would fall in love with some sweet guy
and his family would love me and think of me as family and whisk me away from my life.
i wanted to walk around holding hands all the time
because i am in love with holding hands.
i dreamed of a buy being so in love with me he couldn't take his eyes of me and he wanted me to be with me every moment.

but those things don't happen.
not often at least.
and i have no clue how to fix it.

sometimes i worry about writing on here because you never know who reads it,
but i don't care who does anymore.

i went to a concert the other night and that feeling makes me tingle all over.
i love the way the music pulses though you
so quick and then it's gone
it's so painful yet beautiful
to have something and then it's done.
and it won't ever be like that again.

concerts make my adrenalin rush
but this one was different.
i didn't dance around
i didn't get sweaty with 100 other people i don't know.
i stood there in the back of the gothic and closed my eyes and listened.

i felt every note go through my body and disappear into the walls
i felt venerable and i felt like i was going to cry.
it was different.

i wish you weren't so uncomfortable when you came over.
it's been a year and half and you still look like you want to cringe.
what am i doing wrong?

i have been thinking that a lot lately.
what am i doing wrong?
what am i doing that is stopping the people around me from loving me?
what is stopping you from kissing me and holding my hand?
touching me and holding me?
what is stopping my parents from telling me they are proud of me?
what is stopping them from seeing how shitty they make me feel?

sometimes i wonder if i am the one doing something wrong at all.

i'm kinda in a daze but one where everything is heightened.
things hit me harder.
and i feel things deeper
and i don't know what it means.
or if i like it or not.

i am pushing people away,
friends at least.
i'm building a wall it took so long to break down and i don't know why.
i thought i was passed this
but i haven't been able to tell ANYONE what has been wrong for a week
and i feel like i am running out of people to turn too.

and i feel like i am fucking things up with my best friend
and i love her so much i don't want to lose her.
she helps me through things that i can't do again without her.

i'm scared.

i feel like an awful person because it is my fault you don't want to tell me anything. :|
i turn everything on us and everything on you and i can't help it.

secretly,
[although i understand once i post this here it won't be a secret anymore]
i haven't been able to get over what you said to me over spring break.
i can't get over the things you say to her,
i can't get over the thought that when you tell me you love me and i mean everything to you and that your scared to lose me that you're not out telling her the same things.
and if you are,
they mean nothing when you say them to me.
and i know it sounds harsh
but it's the truth and i need to say it.

and secretly,
i can't get over the fact that it felt like the other night you told me you loved me in a strictly sexual way.
i cried till i fell asleep
and my eyes were swollen the next day
and you didn't care
and secretly,
i felt like shit because you didn't want to talk to me after that.

secretly,
i feel awful posting these things because i know it will upset you and i hate upsetting you.

oh and the biggest secretly of all,
i HATE that when you didn't text me for two days and you blew me off at the baseball park i apologized over and over and i groveled over and over so that you wouldn't be mad at me or feel bad.
and i am not that person.
i hate people that mash there feelings and beg for someones forgiveness when they had nothing to be sorry about.
because the truth is,
i had NOTHING to be sorry about.


wow this blog took a turn for the worst,

positive are in order i think.

well i started taking birth control and i am proud of myself that i can actually remember to take them.
i think they are making me a bit mood swingy though.
but it will calm down after i take a month worth.

i cleaned out my room and old papers
and it felt good.
i was living in clutter and it's still a mess but it will have to do for now.
it made me remember how i like things in my room.
empty and bare.
so much more beautiful that way.

i also got lots of moneies for easter
and i got to shop. :)
and tomorrow or sunday i will go to pacsun and buy pretty shorts. :)

there are lots of sporting events this weekend so i am excited
because i love baseball and when my dad plays football
and hopefully i can get a nice tan.

school is almost over and i will be a junior.
isn't that crazy?
i am almost done.
no more high school
no more stupid drama.
no more living at home.
and i can come home to someone that loves me everyday...
well hopefully.
:)

i love tommy.
i know with all the things i said in this blog that it sounds gheyy.
but i really do.
and you make me happy
even if i blog about things he does that make me sad.
i blog more about things i love about him anyway.
he is my world and i want to spend more time with him.
hanging out with him on tuesday was great. :)
i want more days like that.

well this is getting WAY to long.

lovezzzz.
-Alisha<3