let's talk.

i wrote this last night, when my brain was turned on overdrive.



i wanna be close to you again.
i feel like nothing serious or actually important has been talked about for days maybe even weeks.
i don't say anything anymore.

maybe it's because i haven't felt anything in weeks
nothing passes me.
i'm a wall and i don't know how i became this way.

i ache to hear your voice, telling me things.
i need the silence while i talk because i know your listening.

i'm sick of the carefree front, even though it's real sometimes.
i want to know were i went.
i lost it somewhere, maybe that's fine for now.

you should ask me, what's going on.
i think your scared.
or maybe you just don't care.

maybe i'm falling and the harshness of reality is beginning to sink in.
that's an awful thought.

am i crazy or are you slipping away?
i thought i had this tight grasp and now i think that this is all slipping through the cracks.

this feeling of being ice, is a welcomed relief.
at least i know that something in me is still feeling, other then when you are around.



sometimes i wonder what is happening in my head.
and i wonder if when people read these blogs they know that i'm serious.
and not just stringing words together to sound insightful.

That's all for now.
If you read this, let's talk.
you know who you are.

-Alisha<3

all i can do is grow.

Dear World,

So my mom told me that I might have a chance to move to California and at first I was like well no way jose, I have a whole life here and a boyfrenn I love so much, why would I leave?

I got to thinking about it and I was thinking that I might want to go. It could be good for me, get me out of Colorado and into something I might like more.

After having a conversation with my boyfrenn and best friend I started to doubt if I should go and then decided that it was prolly a horrible idea and that it could hurt my relationship with Tommy.

My mind was set on HECK NO!

But someone told me that I have one life and I should make the most out of it and make every moment something I want. If I want to move to california a little distance shouldn't break us up. I mean will distance make him love me any less? I sure hope not.

I mean I'm not saying that I'm gonna move, but if I want to I should. I'm not anywhere near deciding what I am going to do, and it might not even happen, but if what I have is true unconditional love then it will still be there when I am in California and he is in Colorado.

-Alisha.

iloveyou<3

Dear Bob,

So theres this kid, and i'm not going to tell you how much I love him or how much he means to me because there aren't enough good words to describe him.
he's my world and he knows it.

i also hope he knows that i'm very much in love with him and he's my air.
literally. this kid makes me forget how to breath.

i also want him to know, that even though i am a bitch sometimes, i mean well and i'm sorry.
even though sometimes i want to kick you, i love you and never really would. :)

Love,
-Alisha<3

So here's what are you need to know.

This is probably the most detailed about me I will ever write.


Hi. :]
My name Is Alisha Naydine Giraffe. :)
I'm 15 and 4 months. Trust me the four months is important.
I 'm really strange. As if you couldn't already tell.
I live with my mommy in this crappy state, in craccy apartment. It's does the job, I guess.
My parents are divorced and I like it that way. I know that's strange, but if you grew up in my house, you would understand why I feel this way.

I think I'm to big for Colorado. I wish that I lived some where more fun and excited. I want to see the world and live on a bench in the middle of a crowded European city. Paris or somewhere in Romania, I would prefer. :)
I love photography. I'm really passionate about it. I think that seeing the world in a moment someone else did is interesting and beautiful. I want to share the way I see things with others.
I hate school, work wise but I love going and seeing all my friends. I like to be around people all the time. People are interesting and complex and there very fun to watch, in a non creeper way. :)

I want to be happy. I'd rather be broke, homeless, with job then unhappy and miserable in some shitty life I don't want.
I think that no matter what I can do what I want and succeed in the things that mean the most to me.

I'm a hopeless romantic. I love when guys open doors for me, get me flowers, and tell me sweet things. :)
But I also love dirty guys. Kinky shit is what i'm abouttt. ;D
I'm kinda slutty, so what.

Ohh. Also, I am COMPLETLY and TOTALLY in love with Megan Fox. I'd go lesbo for her in a second. :D
I'd bang her anywhere anytime.. But I also want to be her besfrenn.
She's is absolutly amazing and wonderful.

You know how most people have like mirrors above there beds, or like pictures of people they like.
I have a map of the world. :) I want to see the world before I fall asleep.

I decorate my room with stickynotes instead of posters and junkk.

I want to be with one person forever. I don't want to get divorced. I want one person now until forever.

I have the greatest bestfriend. She came at just the time when I needed her most. I don't know what I would do without her. Crazy thing is, I met her like 4 months ago.

I have the bestest boyfrenn too. He puts up with all my shit and bitchness. But he loves me and knows that I will come out a better person. :) He's my world and i'm okie with that.

Song lyrics make me happy and if I here a song I like I MUST find and memorize the lyrics to it. :)

I've decided that no matter how much I deny it or try to hid it, I love traditional things. Boys opening doors, meeting the parents over akward dinner, boys coming to the door and getting you, them paying for dates. I live for that shit. haha.

I pop pain pills for the hell of it.

I could never have kids. They are loud and winey and make things akward.

I say the words whore, sex, slut, fuck, penis, vagina, nah, boo, trick like it's my fucking job. :)

Everytime the song We Belong Together : Taylor Swift coms on the radio I turn it up real loud and sing like i'm the fucking greatest. :D

I love horror movies and haunted houses.
Halloween is my ALL time favorite holiday. :)

I am in love with british accents and Europe in general.
I want to live in London for a while.
Who wants to come with me? :)

So...
list timeee. :D
I like...
-Pomegranate's.
-Music.
-Photography.
-Writing.
-Reading.
-Taking walks.
-Talking to new people.
-Going to concerts.
-Exploring old buildings.
-Going to new places.
-My boyfrenn Tommy. :D
-My cellphone and iPod and Macbook Pro. :D
-Twitter, Myspace, Youtube, Last Fm.
-Chapstick.
-Piercings and Tattoos.
-Making origami hearts.
-Shopping. :D
-My frennns.
-YOU! :D
-Indie music.
-Having green eyes. :]
-VEGETARIANS!
-90's rap.
-80's music/movies.
-Horror movies.
-Haunted Houses.

I dislike...
-Country music.
-Teachers who bitch all the time.
-Lying.
-Homework.
-Required reading.
-People who are REALLY dumb.
-Being unhappy.
-COLORADO!
-Fastfood-Taco Bell.

Thas all for now. :)
I'll update as I think of things.

this thing called love

sometimes i get into these moments were all i can do is think.

i love you. more then i can ever tell you, but sometimes i wonder how much of that love i am getting back.
you are so confusing and all over the place, even though you think you are simple.
your not. i would kill to know what you are thinking, behind all the walls you build.

when i think about choosing you i know it was the right decision and i know that i would be miserable without you, but i want to know where this is going.
a year and a month and i still wonder if you want this for long term.
i know i'm 15 but hey, i'm a loud to wonder what's going to happen with us in a couple of years, heck even in a couple of months.

i want to know that you care.
i want to know that you love me in an unconditional sort of way.
i want to know that you need me in your life.
i want to fit in with everyone in your family.
i want to know them and i want them to like me.
i know my life is crazy, but i want them to understand.
i don't want to feel like you are ashamed of me to meet them. i hate worrying that they won't like me.

sometimes i feel like that love sprung girl dating that guy that doesn't really feel it too.
and it scares the living crap out of me.
your the only person who truly matters, and i want to know that i matter to you too.

i know that deep in my heart that i will always care for you and that i will always love you.
no matter what happens you are the first person i truly fell for and that won't ever go away.

is this one of those silly teenage romances?
or are you in this for real?

i just really want to know what you think love.
let me in.

-Alisha.

So...


I'm over having a conscious.
I feel like I keep letting the only person who is always there for me, down.
Why is it that I always either get let down or let others down?
Maybe I should try to fix that.

I feel like shit. But I think it is more in my head then in my body.
Every time i go to sleep it's dark and i feel confused like there should be something there and there isn't.
I feel like I want to get out of here. I want high school to be over and I want to start to see the world.
I hate this feeling of enclosed spaces and being stuck in a rut.

Sometimes when I think about my life, I cry.
I cry for what I have lost. I cry for what I lack. I cry for how I have been treated. I cry for what I wish my life was like.
I miss people in my life that used to be there.
I have always been a strong believer in what ever happens happens and everything happens for a reason but sometimes I wish things had happened differently.
But hey, those bitches are gone for a reason I guess. ;)

I want to stop feeling so alone. It's like no matter what I do, I never feel like other people are there with me.
That whole "being alone in a crowded room" thing applies to me often.
I just really want to feel like I am good enough. Like I mean a lot to people.


So I think i'm done being whiny for now.

I love you, whoever you are.

-Alisha.